A New Year’s Resolution

Recently my friend texted me, “I’m so happy our boys are out having fun together”. Just a normal text any friend would send when Dads take their boys to a basketball game together.

Then I looked over at my sweet Finley who has Autism and thought I’m not happy because one of my boys is here with me and not out with everyone else enjoying a basketball game and that is because he has Autism.

Then for the first time I started to realize that this kind of night would be forever.

I scanned the future in my brain and thought he will never go to a movie, a basketball game, a play etc.

For most people when you have multiple children these things all come with time when they reach an appropriate age but for Finley there may never be an appropriate age.

This was the first moment that I allowed myself to really think of what our families future would be like.

It was scary and sad and then I became angry and jealous of other families and seeing their family outings on Facebook and the fact that my son is now 6 and its getting harder to find things we can do as a family.

This was my absolute low point with our son’s Autism.

We want our other son to enjoy life as much as he can so we are a split family. I take him to things and then my husband takes him to things and occasionally we are lucky enough to have a babysitter for Finley so we can do something just the three of us.

To be honest though when its just the three of us a part of me feels empty. I don’t have one child I have two and I don’t want to leave him with a babysitter, I want him to be part of our family.

When I’m reading this aloud as a write it there is one constant I keep seeing and its the word “I”. I want him to do things with us, I want to all go out as a family, I want him to try new things…. but what does he want?

It’s just like how I want the picture with Santa.

I want the trick or treating.

I want all the things that he should want but maybe he doesn’t want or need those things.

People always say well you should have time with just Aidan, make sure he has a normal life but you know what I’ve never seen him unhappy, complaining or mad about his life.

Even though our life is not “normal” both of my children are happy.

He never says to me I wish Finley wouldn’t come along or why does he have to ruin everything. The only thing he’s ever said is sometimes its hard having Finley for a brother.

Then I think about it and sometimes its hard to have any sibling as part of your family.

I think sometimes I get caught up in our life and how hard it can be and all the things I think I’m missing and I don’t see whats right in front of me.

• We have Stanek style movie nights, Finn is on his iPad and we watch a different movie but we are in the same room.
• We play together inside and out.
• We have friends over, we are blessed with amazing friends who love Finn and all that comes along with him.
• We have lots of family time, again we are blessed with the best family ever who love Finn and us.
• We may not get to go out to eat much but we order in!

The list can go on and on of all the things we can do even if it doesn’t look like other peoples life, it is a happy life.

This year my resolution is going to be to get over what I think my family should be.

I’m going to focus on things each of my children want and need and not what I want and need for them.

I’m going to be thankful for the fact that I was blessed with two beautiful boys and I’m going to cherish them.

I’m not going to worry about our future because just like all families the future is unknown and I’ll accept whatever beautiful, sad, chaotic, crazy life we’ve been given and embrace it.

If I can do all this I think I’m going to be happy.

Written by, Heather Stanek

My name is Heather Stanek and I’m a mostly stay at home mama to two amazing boys. Aidan who is 10 and Finley who is 6. Finley was diagnosed at birth with Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum and also Autism around age 3.

Photos provided by MollyV Photography.

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