Do you think that Elf knew that Brayden has Autism?

I heard excited footsteps on the stairs. Zachary was standing in the living room. His little body jumping up and down.

“Santa came, Santa came.” His enthusiasm radiated through the house.

I watched as my older kids excitedly watched him. Despite the fact that they are “too old” to be excited the joy that exuded from Zachary was contagious.

I look to the corner of the room. Brayden is sitting on the kitchen table.

He is rocking back and forth. His hands covering his ears and a sad cry escapes his lips.

I try to bring him into the living room, but I think I would have had better luck putting a cat in water. He digs his heels in and migrates back to the table.

He sits there holding Daryl the donkey. I am not sure why this toy is important to him but it is the toy of the day.

It is so hard to have a family on such polar ends of the excitement spectrum.

Zachary is 3 years old. All I have heard for the past months is Santa lives at the North Pole.

Santa drives a sleigh. Santa is going to bring me present. What do reindeer eat?

He constantly peppers me with questions.

Then Zachary asked if we could go and see Santa, his excitement is palpable. He has to tell him he wants a Paw Patrol toy.

It is then that I realized that Zachary has never gotten to see Santa. I was then filled with mother’s guilt.

We are going to take this boy to see Santa.

So, on Wednesday evening, when Chad and I got home from work we swooped home, grabbed the kiddos, and off to the Mall we went to see Santa.

Despite going late at night on a Wednesday, thinking we were so clever and most families would be home in bed, we were so wrong.

As we stood in line we learned that if you have an appointment you can butt in line. So, as a result, all of us Santa novices stood in the same location for over an hour.

Finally, it was our turn.

Zachary had his moment as he shyly talked to Santa and I got my picture. A picture that looks so cute, so effortless, and simple.

Isn’t that what Facebook is all about? Making your family look like something it is not?

Chad and I were not in the picture. By the end of the visit my hair was disheveled, I was sweating, and my muscles ached. As I stood holding Brayden, all 45 pounds of him.

With each smoothie that was made in the pretzel booth behind us I could see the sheer panic in his eyes when he heard the blender swirl. I kicked myself for forgetting his headphones.

I tried to comfort him as he climbed up me like a scared cat in a tree. I watched as the children around us melted down and exhausted parents juggling their kiddos from hip to hip.

Brayden tried to run, tried to leave, there was so much energy and chaos. With each attempt we brought him back saying, “we have to wait.”

As I shook my hands for the visual symbol. Chad looked at me and smiled. The smile was the smile that said. “Is this really worth it?

I can’t believe we are waiting all this time to pay for a picture, they should be paying us.”

As we were leaving Santa, Ava turned and said to me, her face full of curiosity, doubt, and wonder, “Do you think that elf knew that Brayden has autism? You know Santa should know something like that.”

“Honey,” I said, “did you hear what she said when Brayden went up to Santa?”

She said, “Just let him be, he’s ok, let him look around,”. “ Remember when we all sat down for a picture and she said, ‘everyone look here, when Brayden looks we will take the picture?’

She knew Ava. I could see the doubt melt aware and her belief renewed. As she grabbed her brothers hand we went off to the car. We had experienced a victory tonight.

Holidays are always the hardest time of the year for me. I know they are difficult for many people.

We all have our reasons. For me I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Christmas is about family, being together, and the magic of Christmas. It is sitting together at church, reflecting on the year that has passed and eagerly anticipating the year ahead of you.

For me it is putting aside the disappointments of what I think it should be and realizing our limitations.

As Chad and I were sitting on the couch today talking about how we have changed.

Our goals for the future and how we were going to help Brayden. Chad said something that caught me off guard and really made me think.

He said, “what if you are looking at Brayden all wrong.” You are looking at him in terms of how you can make him successful, how we can teach him, communicate with him, and make him happy.

What if he was given to us to teach us and those around us?

Hmmmm….

As I look at Brayden I think of all the people that I have met because of him, priorities that have changed, how how I have changed as a person.

In some ways I have changed for the better. My compassion, patience, and connection with people is so much higher. In other ways maybe not so much.

I am now bolder, know what I want, and am determined to achieve it.

For the past 4 years I have engrossed myself in reading, trying to find the meaning, and praying for God’s guidance in my life.

Wondering what I am missing. All the while Brayden is constantly impacting those around him with his goofy smile, contagious giggle, and sweet hugs.

Just when you think he isn’t paying attention he does something remarkable.

Like the the other day, a Mac was pretty significantly hurt on Abby’s basketball team. As the trainer was wrapping her kne,e this tough girl had a tear slide down her cheek.

While her sister and teammates were trying to make her laugh by asking her if she was crying, if it hurt, and why her face was so red, Brayden pushed through the girls, snuggled up to her, and gave her a couple of great big hugs.

His hugs were like magic and despite all her pain this little girl turned and smiled at Brayden. His connection with people’s feelings, can often be remarkable.

However, he can also sense anger, frustration, and anxiety. God gives us all gifts and we are all special in our own way.

I learned something from Chad today.

Instead of focusing on all the challenges, barriers, and things we are unable to do, maybe in the new year I need to take the time to see the world through Brayden’s eyes. He was placed in our lives for a special reason.

As I write this, I see Brayden out of the corner of my eye. He is naked and laughing hysterically.

His sweet smile melts my heart. This will not be funny when he is 16.

However, I need to take one day at a time.

The frustrations of today will be different tomorrow. I will continue to pray for guidance, appreciate the simple victories in life and I know that God will teach me every step of the way.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Written by, Laura Eiler

Laura Eiler Mother of 5. I have learned that I will always have to continue to fight, perserve, and look out for my kids. No matter what life throws at me.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.