Thankful For All Those Who Have Crossed Our Path

My name is Stacy Hartmann. My husband Danny and I have been married for 8 years. We have a son named River, who is 5 and a daughter named Adeline, who is 2.

We live near our families in Southern California where Danny works as a electrical engineer and I am a stay at home mom.

River was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome just a year ago. While our son was the center of our world, my husband and I always knew something about him was different.

As a baby he had acid reflux, struggled with nursing, was slowly reaching milestones, had sleepless nights and found solitude while watching movies such as Frozen or Monsters Inc.

Not eating became a regular thing, playing on his own was easy for him and his cute stimming from before is now a sign of anxiety.

I constantly find myself going back to a song called Rivers and Roads, by the band The Head and The Heart. Yes, it has his name in the title, but the songs meaning describes the road you go on to reach someone you miss.

When River is melting down, aggressive, self-injuring, screaming, stimming, grinding his teeth, vomiting from stress, this is where I feel I can not reach him. Even though he’s right in front me, he can’t hear me or see me.

He sees red, is possibly in pain and is in full fight or flight mode. I can only imagine a fraction of what he feels and I know this is not him.

This is his body, not his soul and I miss him.

This is the life I was given and I thank God for it.

It’s been the most stressful time of my life and I am learning to call upon Him when I need help.

I use to be resentful, I haven’t made the best decisions and  have doubted my chooses. I have forgone friendships and I worry about what the future holds.

This is the road God is leading me down to reach my son with Aspergers.

River is a beautiful boy with a huge heart and an incredible imagination. He’s a talented drawer and is a huge space enthusiast, currently working on the LEGO Saturn V.

The days when he’s proud to tell me how nice he was to his friends or how he chose to use his words, I know I’m reaching him. When he’s making play date arrangements with kids from school and they are making plans with him, I know he’s working hard.

If he falls asleep in the car on the way home from school, I know he’s had a mentally exhausting day. These are small steps on the highway we are living on.

There have been plenty of times when I knew we wouldn’t be making that second play date and marking it on our calendar.

When my mothering was drowning in the minds of other moms and not one could give me that breath of fresh air.

When I could feel my child’s pain and I couldn’t help him, not even with a hug.

All these things completely break my heart but knowing that other parents can relate has become encouraging.

I am thankful for all those who have crossed our path.

The doctors we have seen and not seen, the therapists and specialists we currently work with and those who worked with our son in the past.

I am thankful for his preschool teacher Andrea Borrell for having an open heart and letting me shadow River in school. She put up with me, but in the end River graduated. He felt accomplished and I owe that experience to her.

I am thankful for Abby, our ABA program manager, who is honest, direct and has given me tools to use everyday.

I am thankful for flag football and his coaches. We were always concerned about entering team sports, but River was a fantastic player, loved the game and his teammates.

I am thankful for our chiropractor Dr. Boman who has taught me so much about the mind and body, nutrition and healing.

I am thankful for my husband, my constant supporter. For our friends and especially our families who pray constantly for our little family.

Written by, Stacy Hartmann

(Editor’s Note: This article was provided by Stacy Hartmann and is part of Cooper’s, ‘I’m Thankful For You’ Campaign.)

You can still nominate the doctors, therapists, teachers, friends and family that make a difference in your special needs world. Click HERE to learn how!

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.