Friend, My World is Different

Dear what could have been friend,

And I say could have, but it’s not you, it’s me. Typical, right? But hear me out.

I am generally a good person. And I don’t mean that in a boasting/bragging kinda way, just a that’s kinda how you should be way. Treat people the way you want to be treated, and all that.

And you see I want this, I really do. I wish that every time you asked me a question I wasn’t simultaneously watching my child like a hawk. And it’s not like how you normally just keep an eye on yours. Mine is a little more intense than that.

I also have to be watching everything and everyone surrounding my kid. Because for my little guy, it is most likely the people around him that will set him into a downward spiral.

And it’s never international of course. But for my son, people just being themselves, especially kids, can send him into a huge meltdown. Some head hitting on the ground, stuff like that.

Stuff that nobody really wants to see..

So, while I want to talk to you, and get to know you, I can’t. My three and half year old demands all of my attention completely.

I always have to be one step ahead of him, and know what he’s thinking or what he could do. While we’re able to share the short causal chat because my husband is with me and makes all this a tad bit easier, I know you can notice something is off with me.

I may seem quiet or reserved, surprisingly I’m actually quite the opposite. But you probably notice my short winded answers, and that I’m always looking around.

So, as much as I want to talk to you, and know things about you and your life, again I can’t.

And if I’m being honest, which I like to be. The more I dive into your world, the more I realize how different mine is.

How ‘not typical’ my kid is. The one that still does not talk. Nor really play. Or eat lunch like the other kids. Or really do anything.

And you may make a joke about kids this age and all the things they say…and I just can’t relate.

My son has never spoken a word to me. The things I share among other parents is getting less and less, which sometimes makes me feel like I’m almost from another world.

It’s not your fault. Please know that, you have never done anything wrong in any of this. It just is what it is. But I will admit it’s tough, it really is.

So, the girl who would jump at every opportunity to be with family and friends, is now the one notorious for canceling plans. And that isn’t me, I guess it wasn’t me, and maybe I just really want you to know that. To understand the way I am, and know that I wish we could be more.

But everything changes when autism enters your world, every thing.

Maybe one day we will be able to sit together, possibly drink a cup of coffee and chat, both of us watching our kids play. I really hope that day comes sooner than later, truly I do.

Until then, friend.

Written by, Danielle Mager

Danielle is the proud mama to Noah, a handsome, silly, strong willed, almost three year old who also happens to be on the spectrum. Danielle blogs at story of noahism and shares their journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/storyofnoahism/.

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