I Can’t Fix My Son

I shared a video last night on Facebook and I can’t believe the overwhelming support I’ve received.Thank you to every single person that messaged me or left me a comment. Just reading the words, ‘I understand,’ is more therapy than I can describe. Knowing that people out there understand is amazing. It makes me feel less alone.

So, what was the event that caused my crash?

Well, we had an evaluation for Cooper yesterday at an autism center. I am looking for options that will replace public education. I am pro public education in most cases but I feel in my heart that Cooper needs more than the school district can offer. And in Minnesota the options are limited.

The evaluation went well. It was fine. It is what it is.There were even some positives that came out of it. For the first time in Cooper’s life he did the evaluation with the therapist alone. The observation part. Jamie and I actually sat down for 15 minutes and had a coffee. IT WAS AMAZING. On a tough note he threw chairs and puzzles for the first part of the evaluation. I’m used to it. But seeing it in public is hard.

So, now we wait to see what options and support they can provide to us. That’s the black and white side of it.

The emotional side….the mother side…that part is way different.

Yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks that I can do every possible thing to fix my son and he will still be autistic. I can’t change the outcome of this. And the heaviness of that feels like I am on a roller coaster of emotions at times. And it causes me to question what I am doing. And how much I should be doing. It’s terrible. I feel out of control.

I am going to come out of this funk and sadness friends. It happens every couple of months for me as an autism mom. It usually springs up after an evaluation or the start of something new like kindergarten. Or a super hard event. I always get through it through . And I will this time too. I will wake up one morning and dust myself off and pull up my MAMA BEAR AUTISM ADVOCATE BIG GIRL PANTS and kick some serious ass. Because that’s what parents do. That’s what I do. That is me.

Anyhow. Thank you for sharing my journey with me!

I Can't Fix My Son

I just spent 25 minutes sitting in my car in Target's parking lot. I felt like the weight of my son's autism, education and future were sitting on my chest. I share funny stories and beautiful pictures of my son. Of autism. And I will continue to do that because it brings me joy. But at the end of every single day I am reminded that I can't fix my son. And beneath all of the humor and pretty pictures is a mom with a broken heart.

Posted by Finding Cooper's Voice on Wednesday, February 1, 2017

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Comments

  • rgemom

    February 3, 2017 at 12:35 am
    Reply

    You are not alone. Those days when it hits you there's no curing this, no end, that autism will never go away...those days just suck. […] Read MoreYou are not alone. Those days when it hits you there's no curing this, no end, that autism will never go away...those days just suck. Sending you hugs. Read Less

  • CJ Will

    February 3, 2017 at 4:00 am
    Reply

    Thank you! Hits so close to home.

  • Shannon Crawford

    February 3, 2017 at 2:41 pm
    Reply

    I recently came across your blog and it was at the right time. Your story "When I gave up Hope as an Autistic Mom" […] Read MoreI recently came across your blog and it was at the right time. Your story "When I gave up Hope as an Autistic Mom" was as if I had written it! You conveyed all my thoughts and feelings. I sent this to my mom and we cried together. My 6 year old nonverbal son on the spectrum is the happiest guy ever! We have hit a rough patch lately and I am barely treading water. I have the best support system and have done so much for my boy but some days I want to drop to my knees and give up! I feel as if I can't be this strong for the rest of my life with him. My best friends in the world support me but they have no idea what I am going through. We have recently tried some alternative methods to try and get his anxiety and frustrations under control and it has been so hard. We are blessed because where I live my son attends an autism center that has helped him so much in the past year. I am so thankful for this school and what they have done for my boy. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I will pray for you and your son. Shannon Louisville, KY Read Less

  • natnatnat74

    February 6, 2017 at 4:18 am
    Reply

    I agree your definitely not alone and your sooo right l, Parents of childeren with special needs do walk around with broken hearts daily. I […] Read MoreI agree your definitely not alone and your sooo right l, Parents of childeren with special needs do walk around with broken hearts daily. I adore my son and I focus daily on the positive and enjoy this precious little being every inch of him. But oh man I worry so much about his future it's starting to give me serious anxiety. We are lucky enough to start aba with my kid in a month from now. But I have no idea if he'll take to it. And I worry if he dosent then what, what do I do. I've seriously thought of chealating thearapy but that scares me as well it's a very serious thearapy to try even though some have had success. And I don't know anyone reputal in Canada to do it . your right this is so hard:( I try to live day by day but it's hard not to focus on my son's future especially if I'm not around which kills me the most:'( YOUR NOT ALONE. Cooper is so lucky to have you. Read Less

  • natnatnat74

    February 6, 2017 at 4:20 am
    Reply

    Btw, your video is a real tear jerker. I didn't think it would hit me so hard. But I totally get it:(

  • Lori Anderson

    February 7, 2017 at 7:33 am
    Reply

    You are an awesome writer and mother and obviously have a beautiful soul. I'm so impressed with your blog! My nine-year-old has ADHD, but it's very […] Read MoreYou are an awesome writer and mother and obviously have a beautiful soul. I'm so impressed with your blog! My nine-year-old has ADHD, but it's very mild and related to impulse control, as opposed to having difficulty focusing or being hyper. Whatever that means...... In any event, he's in a mainstream school and meets or exceeds the academic standards in all his subjects. But where he does have a problem? Handling any disappointment or his anger. He can lash out at his six-year-old sister over the most trivial thing, both verbally and physically. He was diagnosed three years ago which, by the way, I had to fight for, and has come a helluva long way with therapy and Guanfacine. We have since stopped the therapy, and he no longer does an IEP at his school since they determined he doesn't need it. But every once in a while, when I catch him saying something mean to his sister, or he pitches a thirty minute long tantrum because his current favorite sports team lost, I have to wonder, Who the hell is this kid gonna find to marry him and put up with his crap?? It's not very nice of me, but there you have it. I worry about it every day. I know that on the plus side, his case his mild and he has fewer meltdowns the older he gets. On the downside, like autism, there's no cure for ADHD. I used to feel bad that I worried about him finding a partner when he's grown up. Like I'm admitting to myself he's defective in some way. But I've come to realize, that's what us moms do. It's in our DNA, for crying out loud, to worry. Go ahead and have your good days and bad days. Dammit, you're allowed. In the meantime, know that Cooper is so lucky to have parents like you! And btw, nice mani. ? Read Less

  • findingcoopersvoice
    to Lori Anderson

    February 8, 2017 at 8:48 pm
    Reply

    Thank you lady! And that mani is long grown out now. :) I was just thinking about sneaking away to get it filled!

  • Deanna

    March 15, 2018 at 3:05 pm
    Reply

    You are beautiful for sharing so vulnerably, when you say you can't fix your son, it really hit me. Because like so many special needs […] Read MoreYou are beautiful for sharing so vulnerably, when you say you can't fix your son, it really hit me. Because like so many special needs moms we try so hard for the best outcome, but in the end we know that they are always going to have the condition they have. And that you just want someone to tell you what to do. We love our children so much, and I know how badly we want our children to live normal typical lives. It is so hard to accept this, I don't know if we ever do. Read Less

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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