Wondering about You: A Mother’s Reflection on Her Special Child

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I spend a lot of time thinking about the things you cannot tell me.
There are little things. Like why you point to certain clouds or put your ear up to the wind and laugh.
There are big things too. Like why you hit your head in frustration. Does it hurt? Do you hear something I cannot?
I wonder why you like trains so much.
I wonder why you carry the DVD cases but don’t watch the movies.
I wonder if you are lonely.
I wonder if you get scared of the dark.
I wonder if the words are on the tip of your tongue or if they are buried deep inside.
I wonder if you say I love you in your head when I say it to you.
I wonder what you want to be when you grow up.
I wonder why you can’t speak. I wonder if you ever will.
I wonder if I can make your life better. I wonder if I’m doing enough. And the right things.
I wonder if you have pain.
I wonder if you feel different. Or if you know that you are.
I wonder why it’s so hard a lot of the time. And if it will be hard forever.
I wonder if you ever feel guilty.
I wonder if you know that you are amazingly special and one of my greatest treasures.
I wonder if you know that you are the most loved little boy ever.
I wonder if you understand that you are growing up. And that mommy is getting older.
I wonder what your relationship with your brothers will be like when you are older.
I wonder if you understand that one day they will leave us and start families of their own.
I wonder what it will be like when it’s just me, you, and dad.
I wonder what we would talk about if we could.
I wonder if you know that you are perfect just the way you are. And that you don’t have to change to fit into a world that doesn’t understand you.
Just be you kid. And let mom and dad do the rest. Let me do the wondering.
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook.
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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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