One Size Fits All

The other day I was scrolling my newsfeed and I came across a picture—a list, really—titled Reality Check.

I scanned the points and as usual, my brain went right to autism. I can’t help it. Ever since my son was diagnosed fifteen years ago, I see much of the world through a spectrum lens.

Hi.

My name is Carrie. I have five kids, and my second son, Jack, is diagnosed with autism.

When I was a New Autism Mama, I thought I could just make Jack do the things he was supposed to do—I could insist he sleep all night and eat bananas from a spoon and play with blocks, and voila! He would sleep and eat and stack like a regular little boy.

Except he wasn’t a regular boy. Sixteen years later, he still isn’t.

So over time, we learned together. I learned how to teach my son to use a spoon and he helped me understand that he can’t stand bananas. This took many tries and lots of frustration and some tears. Mostly mine.

Unfortunately, teaching children isn’t a one-size fits all concept, and sadly, many schools aren’t set up for kids like Jack to succeed.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. I want you to know that. Academics and social play are constructed for the majority, and this is the way it should be. It’s efficient, and impartial.

But I see a list like this, and I realize how far we still have to go, simply to make a little room for my son and others like him.

I mean, at some point, a teacher selected red and black markers and began to write these words. He or she compiled directives aimed to control, and direct, and, and manage a classroom full of students.

I guess you could say #4 makes a good point. After all, life isn’t fair.

It isn’t fair my son was dealt a complicated genetic hand, and now he jumps and stims to calm his body and he doesn’t have friends and he suffers from crushing anxiety.

As for #8, he does work hard. He works harder, actually, to accomplish things that come easily to most.

Regulation.

Executive functioning.

Cognitive flexibility, social transactions,

Friendship.

The day my son was born, I became an Autism Mama, its true. But I also became an Autism Advocate. I didn’t necessarily want this title, or responsibility, but I don’t think you can have one without the other.

As a New Autism Mama, I thought being an advocate meant using a loud voice, and making big demands, and feeling defensive and righteous all the time.

Around the same time I learned my son was never going to stack blocks, but he would place Little People inside their yellow bus, I learned advocacy is nothing more than a tiny step in a better direction.

Sometimes, it’s as simple as offering a new Reality Check for a Good Classroom Bulletin Board. It may not be the Best Classroom Bulletin Board EVER, but to me, it’s a start.

A Good Classroom Bulletin

1. We need to follow the rules. I’ll help you understand my expectations.
2. When I say no, I mean it. I promise you, it is for a good reason.
3. Do your best to make good choices.
4. Life is not fair. There are good parts and hard parts for everyone.
5. No one is the boss of your body, or your thoughts.
6. Because of you, the world is round, and true, and good.
7. I respect you.
8. I know you will work hard.
9. I will help you find ways to keep yourself calm under stress.
10. We will not try to fix you, because you are not broken.
11. I will listen to all you have to say, and I ask the same of you.

I will listen to all you have to say.
And I ask the same of you.
Please, make room for him.

Written by, Carrie Cariello

Carrie Cariello is the author of What Color Is Monday, How Autism Changed One Family for the Better, and Someone I’m With Has Autism. She lives in Southern New Hampshire with her husband, Joe, and their five children. 

Carrie is a contributor to the Huffington Post, TODAY Parents, the TODAY Show, Parents.com. She has been interviewed by NBC Nightly News, and also has a TEDx talk.

She speaks regularly about autism, marriage, and motherhood, and writes a weekly blog at www.carriecariello.com. One of her essays, “I Know What Causes Autism,” was featured as one of the Huffington Post’s best of 2015, and her piece, “I Know Why He Has Autism,” was named one of the top blog posts of 2017 by the TODAY Show.

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