Sometimes You Just Do Not Need Words

My daughter does not speak as much as a three and half year old should.  

She thinks a lot.

She understands.

She is very bright but she cannot express her feelings and experiences into words. 

She has never said her belly hurts or that she is scared.  I have never heard about her day.

She has never asked me why a sound of something is super loud, in fact she has never asked me a question about anything, not one single time. 

The other day I picked her up from daycare and they said my normally very happy girl had a rough day. She had cried more then usual. 

She had no physical signs of a illness.

So, I am left to wonder. 

To worry. 

Why was she upset today? Did she have a belly ache?  

Was someone unkind to her today? Maybe hurt her feelings? A adult or a child?

I trust those that care for her but I find myself checking her head to toe for bruises or injury.  I worry some more. 

Maybe she just missed me? 

Even after we arrived home she still seemed off. She is extra clingy.

So I sit for over thirty minutes on the kitchen floor. She lays against me, still and silent and I talk to her. 

I tell her I am sorry her day was tough. I hope she is happy to be home. That I missed her too and I remind her Mommy and Daddy will always come to get her. I tell her if her belly is hurting that it will get better soon. Or if it’s her head hurting that will get better too. 

I tell her that sometimes people may speak mean but she is a good, sweet girl.  I try to cover anything it could be, because I don’t know what it is.

I stroke her hair and I take this picture.  I hope someday I look back and remember it as the time that she did not fully speak and in the future will be sitting with her on the the other side of nonverbal. 

However, the truth is she may never be able to fully express her feelings or explain her day in words.  Years from now she may still be laying against my chest after a bad day and I will still be covering all the things that could have upset her.  Still stroking her hair. 

Will we ever see the other side of nonverbal?

I do not know and no one can tell me. 

Sometimes the unknown abilities of the autism brain are mixed with both remarkable hope and painful, crippling worry. I remind myself I am blessed she is so physically healthy and think of fellow parents, who are sitting with their children. Knowing they will never fully talk or their physical health is so fragile.

I remind myself of my many blessing and my remarkable, perfect daughter. 

After thirty minutes she picked herself up and off me. She seemed better.  She began playing and I made dinner. All was right again. 

Sometimes you just do not need words. 

Written by, Nikki McGlone

My name is Nikki.  I am a grateful and grace filled ( also tired ) Mom of three children, wife to my high school sweetheart and an Autism parenting advocate.  I post about my grateful days and grace filled moments here:
https://www.facebook.com/gratefulandgrace/

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