Let Me Be A Fly On The Wall

I often catch myself thinking, if only I was a fly on the wall. I’ve uttered those words to your therapists after they share the celebrated moments of your morning.

Moments you have worked so hard for. Harder than most. Moments like when you said ’swing’ for the first time. Tried a strawberry. Waved hello to another child. Pointed to the object when asked, “Where is the…?” Hugged a stuffed animal.

Moments I thought I would witness first. Moments I thought would happen with me.

Precious child of mine, I celebrate all of them with you. I am forever thankful for the amazing people God has placed in your life to help you grow and help you learn.

When I held you as a newborn I envisioned I would be there to see you do those things for the first time. I didn’t think I would see them through a video, or at our next home therapy session.

As I held you in my arms I didn’t know you would have a diagnosis and attend therapy. I didn’t know much about this life. The life you showed me. The life I am still getting to know. The life that makes me more. More lost at times. More aware of others lives like ours. More understanding. More patient.

I remember the day so clear. You had been working for weeks on pointing in therapy. Your wonderful therapist said, “I want to show you something.” She laid different colored balls on the floor and said “touch purple”. You quickly touched purple. “Touch green”. You quickly touched green.

I remember feeling the tears well up in my eyes. She said, “We didn’t teach him colors, he knew them already. He just needed to learn a way to show us that he knows.”

Oh how I beamed with pride as you pointed to each color, animal, food, and even some letters. I hoped you were listening to me. I hoped I was teaching you. I did. I just didn’t know for sure you knew until that morning. Momma didn’t know if you were paying attention. You didn’t act like it…but you were.

See, I thought I would be there for all of these moments. I am for some and oh how I soak them in. All the other times, I will always wish I was a fly on the wall. The feeling of being cheated out of some of your toddlerhood is a feeling I am working on within.

The feeling that other parents get to teach/witness their child doing something like that at a younger age. While they are at home. Before school starts.

It seems like you started going to school at 2 years old. While I stayed home. A stay at home mom. I am not cheated. I am blessed. Blessed that you are mine. Blessed that I celebrate every little thing so much more. More.

How I wish I could attend school with you. Sending you off to preschool. Will you spontaneously put a sentence together while you are there? I want to hear it. I want you to see my face light up with joy.

Will you build something with blocks? I want to see what your beautiful mind creates for the very first time.

Will you catch a ball at playtime? I want to see your face when you realize you caught it.

Will you draw a square? I want to be there.

I thought I would be there. Let me be the fly on the wall.

This piece was shared anonymously with Finding Cooper’s Voice.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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