The Hardest Question Will Always Be Why

The hardest question you will ever ask is why.

You will fixate on it.

You will manically go over it all in your head.

Everything you did or didn’t do during the months that turned into the years that got you to this point.

You will justify and find reasoning that soothes your heart.

But you will always come back to one simple question.

Why?

You can be firmly planted, comfortably and happily, in acceptance and still find yourself haunted by the why.

Why my child? Why my family? Why?

For me, it will happen when I least expect it.

It will come out of nowhere.

In the shower, driving in the car, after a 3 AM wake up. Or when I see another child his age laughing, talking or playing and doing the things 9 year old boys are supposed to do.

I will get bombarded with the whys. And they lead to more whys too. It’s not just one. Almost like a chain of questioning without logic.

Why my child? Why him? Why my son?

What not someone elses kid?

Why does his life have to be harder?

Why can’t he just be able to talk? And tell me when he’s hurt or sad?

Why does it have to be so hard all of the dang time?

Eventually, down the road, it will be why do some kids improve? And some don’t.

Why are some severe?

Why do some learn to speak and go to school and some don’t?

And on the loneliest nights it will be why are some families chosen for this life, and some aren’t.

Why were we picked?

If you are like me, you are nothing special. You are no different than anyone else. But yet, you were chosen. People will say you are special but you won’t feel that way.

For me, I really feel the whys when I watch other families celebrating with ease.

When I watch children speaking so effortlessly, I wonder why.

When I watch my son beat his face or throw his head into a wall, I wonder why.

When he rips his toenails off or kicks is therapist simply because he can’t communicate, I wonder why?

Why on earth is this happening. And what did I do wrong.

Why does my kid need meds to tolerate being touched or have lights on?

Why does he need therapy to learn how to be in the same room as his brother?

Why can’t we enjoy things as a family?

Why do I have to be the mom who accepts? And finds the joy in the moments that would level any other human?

The mom who sees a challenge and doesn’t run away?

The mom who doesn’t hit the floor sobbing after yet another regression.

The mom who wakes up every single day and thinks, ‘we will try again.’

I want to know.

I want someone, God, a doctor, a therapist, whomever, to tell me why.

I want them to look me in the eye and say this is why your son was chosen. Because it’s not fair. It’s not fair to my son.

I get so angry sometimes. At my lowest points. Sobbing. An internal dialogue running through my brain of why.

Why can’t it just be easy. Just once.

I don’t know, I guess. And I probably never will.

We just do the best that we can with the information that we have. And love our children and allow them to be the people they were meant to be.

But I do know that the hardest question will always and forever be why. Because there are no answers.

And learning to live with that can eat you up if you let it.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.