Feeling Blue at Christmas

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I started decorating in November and finished shopping the first week of December. 

I was so excited for this year because my little dude finally understands Christmas. 

For the first time in almost 6 years, he told Santa what he wanted. It was all going so well and I was so hopeful. 

I even was able to snap a couple family photos with my phone for our Christmas card.

It meant the world to me to just have one…even if it wasn’t perfect. I just wanted one of us together. 

Yet, here I am blue. 

The packages showing up to my house every day is causing my sweet boy anxiety.

He knows there could be something in there for him, he will not let you rest until it’s opened….then the crying when I open it up to show him that it’s just fish food and not a present. 

The elf is no different, he may need to go back to the north pole after this year. 

His class party is tomorrow and I know me attending will confuse him and he will panic.

He won’t enjoy himself because he will think he gets to go home with me. It hurts that I can’t be involved in his school or even go eat lunch with him. 

The holiday parties exhaust me even solo so I understand his stress. The parties are great to be be around friends but my anxiety always sets in and I spend days questioning every conversation I had.

When you live in high stress 24/7 leaving that stress can cause more stress. Which makes no sense but…you are all nodding your heads in agreeance I’m sure. 

I just want to pull the covers over my head until Christmas is over but I won’t.

The elf will still come for the next few days and I am SO excited to see him wake up on Christmas morning. 

I tracked down WonderPets plush toys last night so theres a win!

I don’t know what it is about Holidays that bring out my 50 shades of blue.

Maybe it’s the expectations? Like how it is “supposed” to be?

Maybe it’s the family or friend who you thought really understood…doesn’t? That can break you even on a good day. 

Maybe it’s anxiety or the hidden stress of it all?

Presents, parties, and perfection. 

I feel awful that I am letting myself dip back down into this ugly pit of worry. I was so optimistic this year. 

We get so busy in our day to day that we kind of forget how different our lives are to those around us.

Holidays have a way of exposing the things we secretly wish for. The loved one we lost, enough money to cover the bills AND presents, for every kid to have a safe and loving home and so much more. 

I always try to put myself back into perspective. I think about all the amazing things I have in my life that I am so fortunate for. 

I have the BEST kid in the world. I have a roof over my head, a loving husband and so many people who thing my kid hung the moon. 

It still hurts though and I think that is ok to say. 

Autism hurts. It hurts my son, it breaks my heart and in a way….it cuts us off from those around us. 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho it’s back to wrapping presents I go.

I hope my family won’t notice the tear stains on the packages.

Maybe it’s ok to feel a little blue at Christmas, the color red never suited me anyway.

Be Kind. 

Written by, Anonymous

Finding Cooper’s Voice accepts guest posts from writers who choose to stay anonymous. I do this because so many of these topics are hard to talk about. The writers are worried about being shamed. They are worried about being judged. As a writer and mother I totally get it. But I also understand the importance of telling our stories. And this will ALWAYS be a safe place to do it.

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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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