A Third Baby

78864576_1511040839038372_6905876798546903040_o

Yesterday morning, as my two boys were snuggling, I asked my 6-year-old son a few questions.

‘Sawyer, are you happy we had another baby?’

‘Yes mama.’

‘What do you love about him?’

‘He’s so cute and small. And he’s a boy.’

‘Is there anything else?’

‘Yes.’ (silence)

‘What is it buddy?’

‘I’m not lonely anymore mama.’

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

My old soul in the body of a five year old boy.

How did I not know he was lonely? My husband and I do everything to keep his life full of friends, learning, fun and activities. And I will admit some of that comes from guilt.

But lonely?

I knew it can be challenging to have a sibling with special needs. I’d be blind or lying if I said it wasn’t.

As a mama, I see every part of it. Sawyer trying to play with Cooper only to be ignored. Sawyer asking him questions only to be ignored some more. But I am the mom. I am an adult. I don’t know what it’s like to be 6. And grow up.

If I was to describe it, it’s almost like they forgot about each other after a few years. Living two separate lives.

But still…lonely? Lonely in our loud, busy, happy, chaotic home?

I felt terrible. I didn’t know.

I also saw my husband and I bending over backwards to give Sawyer as normal of life as possible.

Which we do very, very well. Often at the expense of our sanity.

Sawyer and I sat there for a few minutes longer. We played with the baby. I thanked him for telling me his feelings. His very real, valid feelings.

Feelings that I very much encourage him to talk about…openly and honestly.

We talked about his brother Cooper and how special he is to our family. How he shows love differently.

I acknowledged how hard this all can be.

He nodded. And squeezed his baby tight.

While developing a relationship between Cooper and Sawyer is one of my top goals in life, I am so thankful he has this baby.

He breathed life into our family. He is the perfect addition for both of my boys.

Some would say the glue.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

Avatar photo

Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

Share this post: