I Will Carry Cooper Mama

When Sawyer was three he asked me if we could go to a fair. I of course said…’yes, but we have to wait until summer.’

Per the usual he said to me…’can my brother go?’ I told him no.

His face immediately fell. ‘Cooper can’t go with us buddy.’

I went onto explain how the fair will be too scary for him. ‘Too many sounds and people for Cooper.’

He thought about that for a minute and then looked up at me and said….’is that because he has autism?’ And I said ‘yes, Cooper’s autism makes things harder for him but it also means that you get to do really special things with just your mom and dad.’

He asked again, ‘Can we please bring Cooper? I want my brother to go.’

Again I said, ‘probably not bud. Cooper would really have a hard time and would probably end up getting really upset.’

And this barely three year old looked up at me and said…

’I’m getting bigger mom. And someday I will be able to carry Cooper when we go places so you don’t have too.’

I just stared at him. A million emotions flooded me. The first one was love. This baby is so full of love for his brother. He is kind and sweet and smart. At age 3 he understands my struggles at times to care for Cooper. That is pretty amazing.

Then sadness. I’m sad that Sawyer has and shows this undying love for his brother and Cooper doesn’t pay him any attention. I wish Sawyer could have that bond returned to him.

I wish he could have an amazing friendship with his brother. I wish they could ride the Ferris Wheel together and throw darts to pop balloons. I wish they could play.

Or that Sawyer’s big brother could and would protect him. It had never happened at this point. That’s hard to swallow.

And the third was straight up fear. Sawyer has no idea the truth behind that statement…‘someday, I will be able to carry my brother so you don’t have too.’ Or the responsibility that might actually be put on him to care for his brother after I am gone.

Someday Jamie and I are going to have to actually decide who will take care of Cooper after we are gone. We will have to apply for guardianship. And put it in our will. We will have to pick a person.

Will it be Sawyer? I have no idea. I don’t want to think about it.

All I know is that Sawyer is the most amazing kid I have ever met. Thoughtful, loving, patient, kind, and so wise beyond his years.

Can I get a huge shout out for the siblings? These kids. They are going to change the world I tell ya.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.