No Autism, Just Love
“Today has been tough. Aubrey has told me all day long, “I don’t want a brother.”
Multiple times, and always very serious and sad. I asked her why she felt that way and she said, “Because he just cries too much.”
I froze. Aside from wanting to tell her that she does the same and yet we still keep her around, I decided to give her grace instead.
I tried to explain to her why her brother gets upset sometimes, and has a hard time staying calm, and that it’s her job as his sister to be as nice as she can be towards him because not everyone always will be.
“You’ll be his sister forever. You have to love each other no matter what.”
Mid sentence, I realized I was having the conversation I’d wanted to avoid for as long as I could.
I didn’t think it would come at three years old.
It made me think about what their relationship will be like when they get older.
Will they still be best friends?
Will she resent me for impulsively making her play the role of his fierce protector and friend?
Will she resent him because of autism? Down the rabbit hole of guilt I went.
Truth be told, there is a part of me that isn’t ready for their future.
Aside from the typical wanting them to be my babies forever thing, I’m not sure I’m ready for questions and situations that will undoubtedly happen as T gets older.
Aubrey will one day go to school and notice that her friends’ siblings can talk to them. Play with them in a typical way.
That not all of them are fixated with an iPad, or nursery rhymes, or that they don’t prefer playing alone.
That their siblings have copious amounts of friends, and play sports. And I must admit that I’m not ready for it all.
It will happen. I’m not naive to it.
We’ll have to have the conversation that I’ve thought about everyday since I found out I was pregnant with her.
I’ll have to lay out the facts for her, listen to her heart and try to find an answer for the “why?” I know that’s coming.
I know that it will come with a longing to connect with him in a way she never has, and I’m not sure if she ever will.
I know it, because I feel that same longing every single day of my life.
I watch him with his back to us, line up his toy cars just so, over and over, oblivious to us even being in the room, and silently beg God to let us inside of his world.
Just once. What I would give for just one conversation.
When I speak about autism, I try my best to talk about the happiest parts, because there truly is SO much happy a lot of the time.
And still, It’s hard to not feel slighted and robbed of all the should haves.
The guilt I carry for not being able to provide a typical brother sister relationship for my children, sits firmly on my back.
A reminder that history has a way of repeating itself sometimes. Another reminder that our life is far from typical.
I’m not sure what the future looks like for them, but I pray everyday for healing for my heart and for Aubrey’s in the future.
Followed by the never ending prayers of healing for my boy, and an ease for autism’s ceaseless demands. For Him to show me a way into his world.
For understanding and compassion in everyone we meet.
We get closer to all of it, everyday.
I try not to let guilt take from me what I know to be true of my girl; her compassion, empathy and innocence of knowing nothing more right now, than he is just her perfectly imperfect brother.
No autism. Just love.”
Written by, Larkin Banister
My name is Larkin Banister. I am a fellow Autism mama and my son Tallen is 7 years old and was diagnosed with Autism and SPD at around 2 years old.
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