Someday you will Leave Sweet Boy

On particularly emotional parenting days I’ll watch them sleep.

Sharing a bed.

Neither one acknowledging the other one until bedtime.

8:30 will roll around. Sawyer will still be in the backyard hitting baseballs or riding his bike over a jump with his friends.

Like clockwork, Cooper will look around, grab his blanket with one hand, put his other hand on his check to mimic sleeping and say, ‘SSSS-AH-ER.’

‘You want Sawyer buddy?’

He’ll say yes and point upstairs.

I typically take him up and get him ready for bed while Jamie rounds up Sawyer.

At least twice Cooper will ask for his brother. He will tap the pillow. He will point to Sawyer’s side.

He waits. It’s honestly probably the only constant he waits for.

The second Sawyer gets inside and settled he’ll say, ‘where is Cooper?’ Even though we know he knows.

Once upstairs, he will climb into bed with his brother. Again, neither really acknowledging the other.

Kisses to both boys. Sawyer babbling nonstop about the newest fishing bait he wants, eventually asking for a glass of water and for me to leave the light on.

Cooper never asking for anything else. He has his brother.

‘I love you Sawyer.’

‘Love you too mama.’

‘I love you Cooper.’

Silence.

‘Cooper, say I-LOVE-YOU.’

A jumbled response will come out.

I do that for me. I do it for Sawyer. And I do it for Cooper.

And here I stand. Watching.

They always sleep together. They don’t have too. Yet they choose too.

I can’t help but think how Sawyer is growing up.

As he should.

Six going on 16.

Someday, hopefully not too soon, he will not want to sleep with his brother anymore.

I’m sure some other kid on the bus will tell him it’s not cool. Or it’s weird.

And he will stop.

He will be 9 or 10 or whatever age that happens.

Cooper will be two years older. Almost to the day.

On paper that means something. The bigger brother. In real life, it does not.

Cooper will not understand.

And one day, after that, Sawyer will leave home to go into the world.

To start his life.

I wonder if Cooper will understand then. Two grown up boys.

One leaving. One staying.

I wonder what their relationship will be like then.

I pray to God it’s not a burden.

I pray Sawyer looks back. I pray Cooper acknowledges him before he leaves.

It makes me sad to think about.

Honestly, I try not too.

But man, do I love that they have each other. Even if it is only at night.

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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