Autism is not a Dirty Word
In November 2016, my son, Jasper, had recently turned 4 years old and I finally decided to do it. If not for me, for him.
My mother and other family members kept suggesting that something wasn’t right. I had already started him in speech therapy and preschool to work on his delayed language skills.
Jasper’s teachers even suggested it could only help, not hurt.
I thought he just had some learning deficits or was a slow starter and he just needed patience. I didn’t want it to be true.
My son was at enough of a disadvantage, coming from a single parent household and having an absent father, who doesn’t give a damn.
“Autism” almost felt like a dirty word in my house.
I would get so defensive whenever someone would bring it up.
So finally, the week after his 4th birthday, I set up an appointment at the local Woodland Centers.
A month later, the day had finally come. It was November 16th, a cold and dreary day at 9 am.
I practically had a countdown, but I was playing it cool. My cousin, Lisa, came with me. She wanted to be there.
We checked in and after a few minutes the doctor came for us. When we got back to his office, I asked him what his credentials were and what made him the professional on the subject.
He talked a little about where he came from and how his nephew is autistic. “That’s why I have a special interest in ASD,” said Dr. Fink.
After ten minutes of watching my son and asking questions, he was ready to call it.
“AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER, LEVEL 3,” he said.
It hit me in the gut, like a ton of bricks! I didn’t want to; I wasn’t going to. I wouldn’t let him see me cry. I said, “Was it anything I did?”
Dr. Fink said, “No.” I said, “Are you sure?” He said, “Yes, but let’s go over his medical history.”
I dove in, told him everything. When I was done, he said it again, “Tina, it’s not your fault.” He went over the facts and gave me all kinds of information and my cousin had lots questions for him.
She was attending school to be a teacher and was working as a paraprofessional. So, she wanted to know ways she could help.
Before we left that day, he encouraged me to schedule follow up visits for counseling. For me, not Jasper, after all nothing was changing for him.
Dr. Fink told me I was a super mom and was already doing everything I could to help Jasper. He wished he had more parents like me.
All he wanted me to do was take it one day at a time and reassured me everything would be fine. “Autism is not the end of the world.”
I started tearing up. Fink told me that the younger kids are diagnosed with ASD, the better off they can be. Therapy is a valuable tool, if used wisely.
“You can do this!” He wrote down a few more suggestions for starting points and things to consider, I thanked him and we were off.
We managed to make it out to my car. Told my cousin I was fine, got Jasper settled in the car seat. Then hopped in the driver’s seat.
Then before I knew it, I cried. Hard. I cried a lot that day, but after a few minutes, I pulled it together and we left.
Jasper went back to school and I went back to work.
Somehow, I managed to make it through the rest of the day without breaking down. Once we got home and pulled into the driveway, the water works started flowing again.
I cried for about 5 minutes, and Jasper cried with me. He is a very empathetic little boy. Then I looked at him, and that was all I needed.
My advice to parents of newly diagnosed children with autism. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. You can lie to yourself if you want to, but who is that helping?
Acceptance is the key. The five stages of grief apply.
We all go into parenthood, expecting things will be a certain way. A vision of the children and future we thought we’d have.
We need to grieve for the loss of our expectations, to allow room for the growth and acceptance of reality.
It doesn’t matter the order in which you process your new truth, but you must do it. Without change, there is no growth.
If you don’t, you can become stuck in a state of denial.
Once you can accept your child for all that s/he is, the possibilities are infinite. Only you can stand in your way.
Take a step in the right direction. Accept the diagnosis. Autism is NOT a dirty word. It is not your fault.
Everything will be okay, and you are not alone.
Written by, Christina Enger
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