Sometimes I Just Wish…

This morning I was driving my six year old to vacation bible camp. It is his third day.

As we were driving he was telling me everything they’ve done so far.

‘We sing songs mama. My favorite one is called Bubbles.’

‘We play games. And eat lunch. Yesterday, I gave part of my lunch to a boy that forgot his and Ms. Amy gave me Funyons. It was AMAZING.’

I peeked in the rearview mirror at him.

He was wearing a hat that made him look 16 years old.

He was in the middle seat, next to Harbor. He always has to be as close to the baby as possible.

He had his hands on the babies feet. Tickling his toes.

I watched him subconsciously cover the side of the car seat with a blanket to block the sun from Harbor’s eyes.

Gosh he’s amazing.

‘I think we are making t-shirts today mama. I’m so excited.’

‘When I get home, can I play with my friends?’

Yes I said.

‘Put Old Town Road on the radio mom.’

Nope I said.

‘Some of the boys I play with are Cooper’s age mom. But they don’t have babies like Harbor.’

I was driving and only half listening.

Even though the church is only minutes away, there is a road closed so the drive takes 10 minutes now.

I was in a hurry. I wanted to get Sawyer to camp and Harbor to daycare so I could get working.

I’m always behind these days. No matter what I do, I can’t catch up.

‘Mom, we read a story yesterday about Jesus and how he helped everyone. No matter what. Even if they didn’t talk.’

I smiled.

I dropped him off and with a hug he was gone.

As I drove I let myself think about Sawyer. And Cooper. And how different they are from each other.

I had a five minute drive to daycare.

Just enough time. Time to acknowledge, but not dwell.

Time to feel the wishes I have sometimes.

I wish Cooper could go to camp. I wish he understood. I wish he cared.

I wish both of my boys were in the backseat talking. Laughing. Playing.

I wish Cooper could sing songs. And tell me stories.

I wish he could ask me questions. And tell me what he is excited about.

I wish he cared about his brothers. I wish it was different.

I wish he wasn’t autistic. I wish this wasn’t so hard.

I just wish he could talk. And be with us.

And then I was done.

That’s how I do it these days.

I have to acknowledge the whys and the wishes. I just do. I used to ignore them. Or lie to myself. And it wasn’t healthy for me.

Now, I allow myself to feel it. And then I move on. And remember that we are blessed.

We are happy. We have a Cooper, a Sawyer and a Harbor. And each of them is exactly who they are supposed to be.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.