Autism Defeated Me Today


Autism you won.

It was one of those days. A day you felt like a dump truck has repeatedly hit you over and over again.

Tears that continue to flow. Nothing is stopping them.

I am hurting. I am hurting because I can’t figure out what is making my son so frustrated. I can’t figure out what is causing his meltdowns.

Autism is hard. There is no sugar coating it.

It hit me extremely hard today. I just became so overwhelmed with emotions today. The feeling of my anxiety taking over me.

The unknown is what scares me.

The unknown of what is causing my son to have these meltdowns. Having a nonverbal son comes with many challenges.

It sometimes a guessing game to figure what is causing these behaviors. Is he sick? Does his belly hurt? Does his head hurt?

There is a list that runs through my mind. When I can’t figure what’s wrong it makes me feel so horrible.

It makes me feel like I am an awful parent, because I can’t figure out what’s going on.

My son does communicate through some American Sign Language, but he cant communicate what’s hurting, bothering, or etc.

He doesn’t understand the meaning of what hurts. He has no way of telling me. THAT HURTS……..I am his mother. I should always know what is bothering him, but I don’t.

I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of autism defeating me.

I thought I knew it all, but in all reality I do not. I just want answers. I just do not know if I will get answers.

Autism is like a rollercoaster.

You have those really high points, and then it comes super fast to the low points. Autism is a guessing game. That is what I hate about it so much.

I hate how autism comes with these challenges. The unknown. The comorbid conditions along with it. It literally sucks.

I have spent all my day just crying. Scared. Worried. Uncertain. I hate I do not know how tomorrow will be. Shoot I do not know what the next hour will bring.

I just pray for better days.

Written by, Emily Ransom

Hi my name is Emily. I am married to a wonderful man named Adam. We have a sweet three year old boy named Kash. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder and Epilepsy. He is nonverbal. You can follow our journey at Mama To Kash’s Voice on Facebook and instagram. We are here to share our journey through the good and bad.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.

Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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