Will the Grieving Ever End?

Dear God, it’s me again.

I’m tired today. I can hardly take a breath.

I’m so tired of fighting for every single thing my son needs. My head is spinning and I still have so much to do.

I’ve been fighting back tears lately and tonight Cody took me by the hand and led me to his room.

He took his yearbook down from a shelf and motioned me to sit down with him.

As I sat with him on the edge of his bed I waited as he opened his yearbook and flipped through the pages.

As I stared into his eyes I could hardly keep the tears from streaming down my face.

I know what he’s asking.

I ask him if he would like to go see his friends for a visit and his eyes widen with such excitement.

He states YES!

He hasn’t seen any of his classmates in over three months and it’s so obvious he misses them.

Later, as I’m washing his hair and chatting with him as I always do, he looks at me with those soulful eyes and I know what he’s thinking.

I can feel his every thought. He stares into my eyes and I know he’s searching for answers to questions he can’t ask.

So my question to you God is…will this grieving for my son ever end?

It’s never gotten any easier seeing the way he looks into my eyes with so many questions.  Questions I don’t have clear answers for.

The sadness never ever leaves me. I’ve just learned to push it aside.

But I need to know if it ever goes away? The raw emotion is almost too much to bear sometimes.

Please give me peace to know he understands.

“Some days it feels as though you lose a little piece of yourself.”

We went to a “new” Christmas party this year as our prior Christmas venue has become too difficult for Cody. I was sad the entire time.

It was not the same and I had to fight back tears watching my son try to fit in.

Try to find new friends.

Try to have fun.

I hated every single minute of it. I’m still sad while writing and can barely see my keyboard. I need more strength.

After Cody saw Santa and got his gift he walked us to the car. He was ready to go and just like that we left.

The car ride home was very long and I could feel the questions circling.

Why are we not attending our usual Christmas party?

I didn’t know anyone there.

Why?

Why, oh why, did we attend that Christmas party? I want to go where we have always gone. Where I feel I belong. Not here.

If you had so many questions to ask and no way to ask them what would that feel like?

Why does everything have to be so hard for him? When will it get easier or will it ever?

I just want him to be happy…that’s it. The world may never understand him and that’s so frightening to me.

Dear God help the world understand him.

Help him navigate this overwhelming and complicated world. I won’t be here forever.

Please watch over him and comfort him.

If you ever get a chance to get to know a beautiful soul such as Cody, you would be touched forever by his gentle spirit and soulful eyes.

I would give anything to be able to hear his thoughts and I’m sure profoundly changed by them for the better.

God just one last thing…

I want to apologize to you for not thanking you sooner for this gift you have given me.

Cody is forever changing me to see things as they truly are.

He is your gift to me. Thank you.

Written by Leasa Hoogerwerf

My name is Leasa.  I am the mom of Cody who is 17 years old and diagnosed with severe autism.  We were told to institutionalize him early on and decided to do the complete opposite keep him with us, love him and work with him nonstop.  Cody spoke his very first word at 9 years old.  I started Cody Speaks to document our journey and share with others hope and encouragement.

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