I Used To Be So Much


I haven’t always been comfortable in my own skin.

Truthfully, I’m still not.

But I’m trying.

Trying to silence the voice which says…

You used to be thin.

You used to be beautiful.

You used to be brave.

All those things.

I am grappling with the truth of a life that is far from what I expected.

Autism has thrown me a curve ball and I’m still fumbling the catch some two years later.

The ghosts of perfection still haunt me.

But. I’m stronger now.

I’ve learned to raise a white flag when things are tough.

I acknowledge the fear that sneaks in and stifles my mother heart nearly every day.

I have flown the nest for a few days of nothingness so I can embrace the wonderful life I call my own.

It’s just, sometimes, I forget and I know that I need reminded.

I know my body and heart and mind so much better these days.

I used to be so much, but now?

I’m so much more.

Written by, Adrian H. Wood, PhD

I am a rural Eastern NC mother of four, one with extra special needs. Past preschool teacher, nanny, children’s ski instructor, early interventionist, college professor, early childhood researcher, wife and full time mama. In writing after a twenty year hiatus, I offer personal glimpses where satire meets truth, faith meets irony, despair meets joy and this educated debutante escapes the laundry and finds true meaning in graceful transparency. You can follow Adrian’s story at Tales of an Educated Debutante.

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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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