A Letter to my Little Brother

Hey Sawyer,

I’m hoping that someday I can say this all to you. But there is a chance that I might never be able too…

I’m hoping that when you are older you will read this and understand.

I know you think I have nothing to say. I do.

I know I confuse you. I’m so loud. I flap my arms. I don’t notice toys. Or play sports. Or like to leave our house.

I don’t have any friends. Or really pay any attention to you either. I just like mom and dad.

I don’t play like you. And I know that really confuses you. But you don’t play like me either.

Sometimes I feel like you look right past me. But I guess I do the same thing to you too.

You don’t make sense to me Sawyer.

I’ve overhead mom saying that she wishes more than anything that we could be friends.

You think I’m loud Sawyer? And that my noises are weird. You should hear what you sound like to me.

I try to cover my ears. I try to ignore you. But sometimes I can’t.

Sometimes when I get so frustrated I hit you. Never anyone else. You are my safe space though. You are my brother.

I know you tease me sometimes. I know your friends do too. I’m like the annoying little brother…except I’m two years older.

I wreck your forts. And smash your Legos. I’m always around when you and your friends are trying to play.

I eat your Nerf Gun Bullets. And follow you around. I like to sit near you. Only I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.

I know that you, mom and dad and Harbor leave once a week to do something. I hear that you go to restaurants. Or go ice skating

I stay at home with Meggy or Alex. They are my care attendants. Or whatever that means.

I like staying with them. It’s quiet. And we do puzzles and do things that I like to do.

I’m okay with you getting all of mom once a week brother. I can tell you need it.

I know you think mom loves me the most. Because I take up so much of her time. But she loves you just as much.

I see the way she is so proud of everything you do.

I can’t do most of the things you do. So I’m glad she has you brother.

When you look back on our relationship I want you to know that you mean so much to me. Even though I don’t show it in the normal way. But I’m hoping that some day, you’ll take notice.

I’ve been carrying this picture of us around for seven days now.

I normally only carry pictures of trains and boats. And mom and grandma. I like baby pictures too. But rarely anyone or anything else.

And I only carry them for a few moments at a time before I shove them under a couch or behind a bed.

I never seem to get too attached to any one photo.

Mom even noticed how I hold this picture so tightly.

I know it confuses her because I don’t really seem to care about spending time with you. Or acknowledge you.

But this one makes me feel safe. I like that we are hugging. You are paying attention to me and I’m paying attention to you.

I’ve been sleeping with this photo for a week now. I wish you’d notice.

I love how we look so happy together.

So calm. We look like friends. You’d never know that we are so different.

If in years to come, I’m still not able to tell you I love you, please know that this is it.

I’m showing you.

You are my safe space brother.

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