Perfect After Autism
I found myself sitting on a bench nursing Harbor at a store today on one of the busiest shopping days of the year.
We were out grabbing a few last minute things. A train magazine for Cooper. A sweatshirt for Sawyer.
My bench happened to be right in front of the line to see Santa Claus.
I had the perfect view of the big guy in red.
And all the kids that were so excited to see him. Little girls in fancy dresses with bows in the their hair. Little boys fighting itchy sweaters and ties.
Even many of the parents were dressed up.
I watched siblings sit with Santa. Babies. And families.
They all posed for the camera.
Some laughed. Some cried. Oh the chaos of kids at Christmas. I couldn’t help but smile at their excitement.
I heard kids ask for Pokemon cards, bikes and trucks. One little girl wanted a baby brother. I heard her mom say NO WAY.
I felt my usual twinges of jealousy as I took it all in.
I watched two brothers, I’m guessing the exact same ages as my boys, climb onto Santa’s lap together. I watched them hug and ham it up for the camera.
That one stung.
I let myself think about how I was going to have the perfect family.
That is of course before I actually became a mother.
I was going to have perfectly dressed children. Without snotty noses or wrinkled shirts.
We would of course do photos just like these ones. All of use would smile. In matching clothes.
The photo would go on our mantle. And in our Christmas Card.
We would be perfect.
But then life happened.
And here I am with an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a baby. All boys. Wild, adorable, amazing boys. Boys that bring me to the brink of exhaustion every single day.
My life is nowhere near perfect. Neither are our photos.
My son Cooper will rarely sit still for them. He is a blur in almost every photo.
I am usually covered in sweat. Jamie is beat red and flustered. We are often fighting. Because of the stress of me wanting the photo and Jamie not caring.
Sawyer is typically pouting. Usually because everything takes us so long. And he’s a busy guy.
Cooper is always in leggings. Or a swimsuit.
He is often trying to escape. He is even known to hit his own head if the stress gets to high.
There is nothing perfect about us.
Often Cooper isn’t even in our family photos.
Most of the time he isn’t with us when we do stuff where photos are taken. Like visiting Santa.
He can’t do the lines. Or wait. He can’t sit still. He can’t handle the crowds. Or the lights. Or the noise. Or the expectations.
He’s happier at home. He feels safe there. We don’t force him.
That’s hard. It’s hard on a family. We often feel divided.
After autism, my vision of the perfect family changed. The perfect photo is no longer perfectly posed people in matching outfits.
My perfect family has morphed into something that I never imagined before autism.
Something that looks flustered to everyone else. Messy. Disorganized.
But to me, I know how hard we worked for this.
This is perfect after autism.
Santa and Ms. Claus visiting our home. Lots of running. And stimming.
Separate family photos. Jamie or I holding Cooper tight. Supporting him through. All 80 pounds of him. Keeping him safe and secure.
Whispering in his ear how great he is doing. Counting to ten so he knows when it will be done.
Sawyer as the anchor. And the newest little addition.
Three beautiful boys.
Zero expectations.
Real smiles. Nothing is forced anymore.
This is our perfect. And I couldn’t ask for anymore than this.
We worked eight years for this. We prayed for this. We are thankful for this.
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I love this so much. I remember those hectic holiday times. I was a 247 nanny for two little amazing boys at different ends of the spectrum. They were both so amazing and sweet in their own ways. I loved the holidays with them, but they were always celebrated at home, where they felt safe. I remember one year they got to go shopping with the police and firefighters in our community, both of them wanted to get presents for their brother, mom and me with their money, not themselves. Mom and I were on the sidelines in tears over how proud we were of these sweet angels thinking of others first. We had good ad bad days with behaviors but the more I got to know them and the moreclasses I took to understand how their minds worked we had more messy fun making food and crafts and less meltdowns. I will always cherish those days with those precious boys.
Please contact me. I think I can encourage you. You blocked me from your page which is totally cool. I’m not so great at Facebook. I only joined to sell some kittens and puppies. I think Cooper is super amazing. And I’m sorry if I came across as enemy. If you ever want to get in touch I’m here with my non verbal 15 year old son, Koen.