Why I Gave Up Hope As An Autism Mom

I just changed my six year old’s diaper. It was messy. There was poop dripping down his leg. It was on his jeans. His socks. The poop got on my hand and the carpet.

And I almost started to cry.

I thought, ‘why me?’

And I let myself go down the rabbit hole of feelings that accompany raising a baby with special needs.

I let myself sink right into that shit.

The self pity. The ‘why me’s’. The ‘this isn’t fairs.’ The ‘I can’t do this for the rest of my life.’

I wondered what I did to deserve this.

And for one brief tiny second I let myself picture what this will be like when he is 12.  I pictured Cooper as a teenager. Then a man. Only for a second though.

I let the feelings last as long as it took to wrap the diaper in a Target bag and throw it on the front porch.

As I shut the door I caught a glimpse of the neighbor kids building a fort. Two boys. Both Cooper’s age. They waved and shouted hello.

And I breathed a sigh of exhaustion as Cooper non-verbally screamed at me to put another diaper on him.

And then, just like that, the feelings were gone. All of the sadness and depression and jealousy just left.

How you ask?

Well. Truth?

I gave up hoping for life to be different a long time ago. I gave up hoping that his autism would go away.

I just, gave up.

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God that sounds terrible. But, well, it’s the honest truth.

I had to give up. I couldn’t take the pressure of hoping.

The pressure of hoping he would talk. Of hoping he would be potty trained. Of hoping he would turn out normal. Of hoping that he would grow up and get married and have babies.

I had turned into this person that was always waiting for my kid to get better. I was waiting for words. For a conversation. For it to get easier. I was waiting for something that wasn’t going to happen.

And I was slowly going insane.

Hope. It’s a funny thing.

Never give up they say. Keep trying. Stay positive.

But, what if the hope is killing you.

I found out that Cooper’s autism was severe when he started Kindergarten.

Age 5 was a tough year for my ‘hope.’ My baby was so different. He was in special education. School wasn’t fun for us. It was IEP’s and stressful conversations. It was different than of a typical child.

I would spend days hoping that Cooper could go on a field trip. Or participate in a school play. I would see his classmates. I would see what it ‘should have been like.’

And then I stopped hoping. Just like that.

I realized to keep my sanity I had to give up hoping for things like play dates and friends and field trips. I had to let go of the hopes for school dances and sleepovers. And sports.

Giving up hope damn near killed me people. I won’t lie to you. I felt like a terrible mother.

But I couldn’t take the alternative any longer.

Do you know what it does to a mom when she is continuously asked by friends and family if her son is going to talk? Or use the toilet? Or learn to read? Or move away after High School?

Daily people were asking me what the future looked like. And they’d always say something like, ‘well, HOPEFULLY, he improves.’ ‘Hopefully he starts talking.’ ‘Hopefully he starts pooping in the toilet.’

I would stare at these people. And my I would be dying on the inside. I would always smile and say, ‘hopefully someday!’

And then one day I just stopped. I started saying ‘probably not.’ And now, I say, ‘no.’ Cooper will probably never talk. And he may never use the toilet.

And the relief I felt from those sentences. It was so freeing.

I realized I was keeping this false hope up to make everyone else feel better. I wanted to give them an answer that made them happy and comfortable. And it was at the price of my heart.

So, I stopped.

I gave up the hopes of my perfect, normal child.

And as soon as I did that I was able to accept life for what it was.

Giving up hope saved  me.

Cooper and I have beautiful moments. We laugh. We hug. I tickle Cooper. He blows raspberries on my back.  We go swimming. I lay with him before he falls asleep.I laugh at his trains. I sing him song after song. I jump with him on our trampoline.

And slowly, those things started to make me feel OK. Not quite so sad.

But I had to give up on the hope that we would have someday have a conversation. I had too. I just had too friends.

The hopeful waiting is gone now. I don’t spend nights thinking ‘what if’ anymore.

And that’s OK.

Now, if it happens, I can experience the joy in a brand new way.

Until then, I am loving the kid that I have. No more hoping for a different one.

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Photo Cred: Kacie K Photography

 

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  • Jill Potter

    January 20, 2017 at 12:58 am
    Reply

    I don't think it's giving up hope- it's just accepting who he is. I think it's a good thing ❤️

  • natnatnat74

    January 20, 2017 at 1:31 am
    Reply

    "I am loving the kid I have now" I love that your finally at a place where your focusing on the now and the positives […] Read More"I am loving the kid I have now" I love that your finally at a place where your focusing on the now and the positives of the moment.....I'm like 60% there but I hope to be there soon:) Read Less

    • findingcoopersvoice
      to natnatnat74

      January 20, 2017 at 3:50 pm
      Reply

      You'll get there. I promise. It took a long, long time for me. 6 years. Hugs friend.

    • alowicious28
      to natnatnat74

      January 22, 2017 at 8:16 am
      Reply

      Yes I agree, I've never given up hope but I've had to give up my expectations of my son, and that's how I've learnt to […] Read MoreYes I agree, I've never given up hope but I've had to give up my expectations of my son, and that's how I've learnt to cope with it all in the last six years. If any of my friends are conversing about their hopes for their child's future I just move on or don't join in. I don't expect my son ever to have sleepovers, best friends, a lover. But I hope he will in my heart. Read Less

  • natalietanner

    January 20, 2017 at 5:09 pm
    Reply

    What a beautiful post and an interesting point of view. Thanks so much for sharing.I read many, many years ago, an article written by Dear […] Read MoreWhat a beautiful post and an interesting point of view. Thanks so much for sharing.I read many, many years ago, an article written by Dear Abby about a couple who had dreamed of going to France, but the train had taken them to Italy. They grieved and were so sad about missing France and all their dreams of France, but one day, when they gave up those thoughts and dreams of France it allowed them to enjoy Italy and realize that Italy is a wonderful place to be, too. Read Less

    • JT
      to natalietanner

      January 23, 2017 at 6:06 pm
      Reply

      I hate that goddamn story. Sure, it's like ending up in Italy instead of France, except you only have Francs, and there is no way […] Read MoreI hate that goddamn story. Sure, it's like ending up in Italy instead of France, except you only have Francs, and there is no way to exchange them for Lira. And you're not in Rome, or Milan, or Tuscany, but some tiny little town with a handful of people who only speak Italian, and you don't know Italian. Oh yeah, and you can't leave and go home, because there's no way out of town. Sure, you can survive, but you don't know how to farm, or build, so you learn as you go, with people you can't have a conversation with. And sure, there's a phone that you can call your friends and family, but they can't tell you how to get home, and most of them can't come and help you either. You can make the best of it, and have a fulfilling life, but that story is garbage. Read Less

    • SchoolSparrow
      to natalietanner

      January 26, 2017 at 5:18 pm
      Reply

      I like this story, but I would substitute Afghanistan or Syria for Italy. Somewhere where things are just plain scary at times.

    • imsimplyadad
      to natalietanner

      January 29, 2017 at 3:26 am
      Reply

      Why can't you still love and appreciate Italy for all its wonders and beauty whilst still hoping to get to France someday?

  • marilynsocialpr

    January 20, 2017 at 11:31 pm
    Reply

    Awww mama! You have hope, but it is a hope that is more healthy for you and Cooper.

  • Radka

    January 21, 2017 at 2:00 am
    Reply

    I know exactly how much it hurts. I feel your pain... I think there is so much pressure on parents with autistic child from everywhere. […] Read MoreI know exactly how much it hurts. I feel your pain... I think there is so much pressure on parents with autistic child from everywhere. All the therapies and options.... the sooner you start...etc. And then you hear about NEW ways, new approaches etc... you start wondering what IF I don't do enough, what IF we try this, then.... I hate the word "treatment" or "cure". All this can give false hopes and lead to anxiety and makes us to stop enjoying the MOMENT we have TOGETHER with our autistic children.... It can be such a relief to just STOP worrying about the future and accepting the NOW. Enjoying the smiles and laughs and crazy stuff that others don't get. Enjoying the special, different ways together. It's not about loosing hope, it's about living the moment. Accepting the different. ?❤️? Read Less

  • Melissa Haughton

    January 21, 2017 at 5:18 am
    Reply

    I don't know what hope is anymore

    • findingcoopersvoice
      to Melissa Haughton

      January 21, 2017 at 4:43 pm
      Reply

      Oh. I'm so sorry. I've been there. I really have. Message me on my Facebook page if you need to chat. Or vent. I'm here […] Read MoreOh. I'm so sorry. I've been there. I really have. Message me on my Facebook page if you need to chat. Or vent. I'm here friend! Hugs. Read Less

  • jenniferjvogt

    January 22, 2017 at 2:25 pm
    Reply

    ❤❤❤ accepting... I've often had similar feelings and thoughts. My little guy is 4... i like the ending to this post... "if it happens I […] Read More❤❤❤ accepting... I've often had similar feelings and thoughts. My little guy is 4... i like the ending to this post... "if it happens I can experience the joy in a brand new way" --- no matter what, I'm a true believer that every single person is here to make a difference. My little guy has taught me so much already. Good job, mom! Read Less

  • Karla Urata

    January 23, 2017 at 7:50 am
    Reply

    my first daughter was diagnosed on her 3rd birthday in feb 2016 and then my second daughter was diagnosed at 18 months in November 2016. […] Read Moremy first daughter was diagnosed on her 3rd birthday in feb 2016 and then my second daughter was diagnosed at 18 months in November 2016. I have been on an emotional roller coaster that I am really reluctant to share. I am angry a lot of the time and too live in the pity party of 1 - and it makes me crazy. I love my little girls I think they are amazing but I then also feel like wtf girls aren't supposed to get this let alone my only two children both have it! And yes for me too the future weighs heavily - I am going to be 40 this year so I feel a ton of pressure to get things right and now. I came across your blog this evening and I am so glad I did. Thank you for sharing truths. Read Less

  • BlessedCookie

    January 23, 2017 at 2:54 pm
    Reply

    This was spot on! And it was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. Hugs to you.

  • Angie

    January 23, 2017 at 7:39 pm
    Reply

    This post was just what I needed today...Thank u for posting...I shared it ...I am an Autistic Mom of a 3 yr old little girl, my […] Read MoreThis post was just what I needed today...Thank u for posting...I shared it ...I am an Autistic Mom of a 3 yr old little girl, my Gia. She was diagnosed last June and it has been a very challenging and isolating experience... I have fought so hard to get her speech therapy and OT therapy and into a school.for special needs...But where are the other Autistic parents? I can't find a single one in my community. Web sites and message boards and articles galore but where can I connect w other autistic parents even an online group? I would really appreciate any thoughts or tips. .. Thanks for reading. Angie Read Less

  • Cris

    January 23, 2017 at 8:53 pm
    Reply

    My son was 6 and I got ABA therapy I took him to the bathroom every 30 min and after 2 weeks he started […] Read MoreMy son was 6 and I got ABA therapy I took him to the bathroom every 30 min and after 2 weeks he started to go by himself I help with the wiping or get wet wipes it's great Read Less

  • criggeal5

    January 24, 2017 at 2:32 pm
    Reply

    If you need someone to talk to, I wrote a comment on your FB post as well. I get it...all of it. Even […] Read MoreIf you need someone to talk to, I wrote a comment on your FB post as well. I get it...all of it. Even doing the blog thing myself...but never have time to write!! Contact me if you would like to connect. Hell, I know...what autism parent has the time for friends...that seems so damn normal, lol. But sometimes, we need them...especially ones that really understand the depth of this life...all the ups and down...the chaos...all the things people don't talk about. The stuff we just have to quietly accept as "our norm" which is so far from normal, ha. I hope to hear from you. =) Read Less

  • Jen

    January 24, 2017 at 2:57 pm
    Reply

    I came across your page and I can relate. I have a 4 year old son with severe non verbal ASD. He is still in […] Read MoreI came across your page and I can relate. I have a 4 year old son with severe non verbal ASD. He is still in diapers. He was diagnosed at 19 months and has been in various therapies since. I also have the "someday he will"... thoughts but I also do know there is a very real possibility that he may not do these things. I also get flack from family "oh the pre-school he goes to is not right for him, because he is not improving" "you don't discipline him enough this is why he acts this way"....ughhhh. It is also hard because whenever I say things that insinuate that our son may not improve, my husband gets angry with me, for him I think its harder to believe that he may not have a son to do all of typical father/son stuff with... but I am also a realist. Read Less

  • Michelle Holcomb Joiner

    January 24, 2017 at 3:28 pm
    Reply

    Thank you for this...I have an almost 17 year old son severely affected by autism (we added epilepsy at age 14) and this is a […] Read MoreThank you for this...I have an almost 17 year old son severely affected by autism (we added epilepsy at age 14) and this is a lesson for me, even after all these years. I STILL find myself wishing things were different. Isn't that sort of insane? I mean...I've been in this world, in one way or another, for 15 years. How can it still break my heart to get a class ring announcement in the mail, addressed to a 6 foot 3 inch baby boy who wears diapers and plays with Thomas trains? How can I STILL look at "normal" families and envy them? It truly does drain one's energy to dwell on these things, and your post is reminding me of that fact. My struggle every day - every minute - is to accept and say "this, too." Thank you again. <3 Read Less

  • Jennie

    January 24, 2017 at 5:57 pm
    Reply

    I feel like I could have written this. I don't really see it as giving up hope but accepting that the victories my kiddo will […] Read MoreI feel like I could have written this. I don't really see it as giving up hope but accepting that the victories my kiddo will have will be considered small by many though huge in my eyes. I had to let go of what society said I should be trying or doing for my child to make him better. I realized that I could be a better mom to him if I wasn't pushing for what society tells us is normal. In the long run I want him to live a happy life. Now that I am happy, he is happy too. Read Less

  • Danielle Marshall

    January 24, 2017 at 8:24 pm
    Reply

    My son will be 15 in June & we still go through this. He's still non-verbal, trouble using the toilet, sensory issues, refuses to eat […] Read MoreMy son will be 15 in June & we still go through this. He's still non-verbal, trouble using the toilet, sensory issues, refuses to eat most things, etc! I learned long ago as well that although everyone does hope that these things will at least get better we are pretty sure none of it will go away. My two daughters & I have accepted this; we have to remind other people that at his age it's not likely that things will change that drastically. He is who he is & we accept that & if they can't then that is on them; not him or us! Read Less

  • Xora Khan

    January 24, 2017 at 8:44 pm
    Reply

    Sending love and Hugs

  • Alex Greene

    January 25, 2017 at 2:59 am
    Reply

    Our little one is only two and have been diagnosed with moderate/severe autism. Some days I really want to know when does the sun break […] Read MoreOur little one is only two and have been diagnosed with moderate/severe autism. Some days I really want to know when does the sun break through but then my munchkin comes running in yelling and showing me his trains and i just let it go and love him for who he is. I thank you for this post. I really needed to read this to know that we are not alone on this journey. Read Less

  • Leslie J. Aquerón

    January 25, 2017 at 4:28 am
    Reply

    I agree with some of the previous comments, I think its just finally accepting who they are. But please please don't give up hope on […] Read MoreI agree with some of the previous comments, I think its just finally accepting who they are. But please please don't give up hope on achieving his goals! My son has autism and his goals in IEP and in ABA we work hard to reach them and maintain them. Please never give up on your son, your his advocate, his voice. I invite you to read " The Reason I Jump" it was written by a Japanese teenage boy with Severe Autism. It really gives a huge insight on what ASD kids are thinking. Read Less

  • Noah's mom

    January 25, 2017 at 7:32 am
    Reply

    My 6 year old son kicked me in the face today, while having a meltdown when I changed his diaper. He was so off this […] Read MoreMy 6 year old son kicked me in the face today, while having a meltdown when I changed his diaper. He was so off this morning it took me and the aba 2 hours to get him ready to go to school and all I could pray for was that we actually made it to school, so I could have those 3 hours of a break to cry. My son is considered "high functioning" yet he still doesn't use the potty at 6 and has sensory meltdowns daily. This was nice to read,especially today when it feels so lonely. Read Less

  • Lacey Mc.

    January 25, 2017 at 1:07 pm
    Reply

    Thank you so much for posting this. I felt as though I could've written this myself. ❤ the tears and fears are enough to handle, […] Read MoreThank you so much for posting this. I felt as though I could've written this myself. ❤ the tears and fears are enough to handle, let alone the hope, which honestly is just easier to let go of. Read Less

  • April

    January 25, 2017 at 1:21 pm
    Reply

    I have 2 sons that are Autistic. My 15 year old (will be in Feb) is now doing great, but my youngest (13 yrs) […] Read MoreI have 2 sons that are Autistic. My 15 year old (will be in Feb) is now doing great, but my youngest (13 yrs) is regressing. I go through a rollercoster ride every few years where they both seem to switch roles in life. It definitely keeps me on my toes. After having a daughter who is top of her class and now an extremely smart college kid... I often wondered what "I" did wrong and why God chose me. I had to stop thinking like that and live in the moment with them. It has been hard, but I have accepted my boys are my boys and I am here for them. I'm not saying I don't think about the future and having to have my youngest live with me for the remaining of my days... we just take it one day at a time. I will pray for you and Cooper and hope one day he will too find his voice. xoxox Read Less

  • Melissa B.

    January 25, 2017 at 1:28 pm
    Reply

    I have been there, too. I was still changing diapers when my son was 6. He is 9 now and is mostly toilet […] Read MoreI have been there, too. I was still changing diapers when my son was 6. He is 9 now and is mostly toilet trained (needs help wiping sometimes). Keep hope for progress, not perfection. My son was non-verbal at one point, but now he can speak a few sentences and communicate needs/wants. Much love and hugs to you! :D Read Less

  • blogger

    January 25, 2017 at 1:58 pm
    Reply

    This has me crying. My 5 year old has adhd, spd and 2 speech disorders. We are not going to have normal. Socially and educationally […] Read MoreThis has me crying. My 5 year old has adhd, spd and 2 speech disorders. We are not going to have normal. Socially and educationally we struggle, he is self conscious violent and easy to upset - he's also the most loving boy imaginable. I wish I could magic it all away for him. I would swap in a heartbeat to make him happy. Read Less

  • Nikki

    January 25, 2017 at 2:15 pm
    Reply

    You are my doppelganger!! I have a cooper who is about to turn 5. Even you website is similar to our fundraising efforts […] Read MoreYou are my doppelganger!! I have a cooper who is about to turn 5. Even you website is similar to our fundraising efforts called " Help Cooper Find His Voice" and i feel the exact same as you.....weird! Read Less

  • Tracy Carraghan

    January 25, 2017 at 2:19 pm
    Reply

    I can't tell you how many times i was where yu were. My Son was on one of the spectrums the violent side. My […] Read MoreI can't tell you how many times i was where yu were. My Son was on one of the spectrums the violent side. My son has been hitting my Daughter and I since he was little, he was seen by so many different doctors it wasn't funny. With no hope in sight we started to put him in the hospital sometimes for our safety. It was THE HARDEST moment of my life to do that, asking God Why Me Why my Son. It took over 3yrs of intense RTF but as hard as it was it saved all our lives. He is 19 now the aggressive behavior is at bay and now our hope is for him to Graduate at 21. He is verbal but with speech delay ....my thoughts consume my mind alot of what will his life be when i'm gone what will happen to him??? So the future still consumes your mind :( always trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel it could be alot worse for any of us but somehow i still feel alone in this journey of my Autistic Son Read Less

  • blutigerlaie

    January 25, 2017 at 3:14 pm
    Reply

    Reblogged this on yowriterblog.

  • Meghann Duplessis

    January 25, 2017 at 3:28 pm
    Reply

    Thank you! I needed this!

  • Rochelle

    January 25, 2017 at 4:18 pm
    Reply

    I still have hope. My son is 26. My hope is not that he will magically be cured of autism. My hope […] Read MoreI still have hope. My son is 26. My hope is not that he will magically be cured of autism. My hope is that he will talk one day. My hope is that he will have meaningful connections in his community that care about him...especially when I'm gone. I hope he will be happy and have joy and peace. I hoped and worked to help my son overcome challenges in his life. I did not succeed. My hope has changed over the years. But I still hope. Thank you for your honest words. Read Less

    • Cyn
      to Rochelle

      January 31, 2017 at 3:43 am
      Reply

      I just wanted to say that what you wrote was beautiful. Hope evolves... It is quite a journey that's for sure

  • Lyssa

    January 26, 2017 at 12:59 am
    Reply

    I can relate. I think that I finally have given up on the what should have been' s as well as the what will […] Read MoreI can relate. I think that I finally have given up on the what should have been' s as well as the what will be's. This journey has been the most challenging and heart wrenching of any in my life. I spend a majority of my day worried about the future and I can rarely find the joy in today. It has been 7 years for my family and it never seems to get easier. I think it gets harder. Yes. It's harder. Thank you for writing such a heartfelt blog. Cooper is lucky to have you for a mom ? Read Less

  • Lisa D Loch

    January 26, 2017 at 6:10 pm
    Reply

    I feel like I just read MY life story. I am the mom of Aidan, a 15 yr old with Autism. I too, […] Read MoreI feel like I just read MY life story. I am the mom of Aidan, a 15 yr old with Autism. I too, at about the same time.....gave up hope. What a freeing experience that was. I felt "trapped" in this "I hope", world that I think deep down inside, I always knew that he was going to be what he was/is forever. Sure, he eventually started using the bathroom and I could rid myself of diapers and pull ups, but he still has an occasional mishap now and then (more often than I would like, but oh well....) Yes, he says things like " I want Milk" or I want Chips", but he is never going to have a meaningful conversation with me or anyone for that matter. He will always go to a special school, he probably will never have a job, and he will never be able to live by himself. I, as a mother who has come to terms that THIS IS THE WAY IT IS GOING TO BE.....I am content. Sure, I have my days, as I am sure you do also.....but I look at myself in the mirror and say "it could be so much worse". I thank god for him everyday as he has taught me how to be patient, how to love more than I ever thought was possible and how to be accepting of things I can not change. He loves with his whole heart....and I know he loves me and that is enough for me. I praise you for your courage to let go of hope.....and learn acceptance and peace! God bless! Read Less

  • Jayne Niehaus

    January 27, 2017 at 1:45 am
    Reply

    This is lovely, and I understand. And it's applicable no matter where your kid is on the spectrum. I'm totally in love with the kids […] Read MoreThis is lovely, and I understand. And it's applicable no matter where your kid is on the spectrum. I'm totally in love with the kids I have now that I'm not insisting they are going to be "just fine." We are lucky in some ways and not so much in other ways. Good luck to you! Read Less

  • Adriana

    January 27, 2017 at 2:42 am
    Reply

    Thank you for sharing. I could have written this myself. I too have a six year old son who is Autistic. He is not […] Read MoreThank you for sharing. I could have written this myself. I too have a six year old son who is Autistic. He is not potty trained, and I long to hear him share how his day was at school. I worry about his future every day. I worry about his 5 year old sister's future too. I worry that he will be her cross to bear when my husband and I are gone. I live each day between hopelessness, and holding on to any drop of hope just be fall asleep at night. Thank you for sharing because I know that there is someone on this earth that understand me and where I am at with my son. Read Less

    • Marcia Hinds
      to Adriana

      March 15, 2017 at 2:54 pm
      Reply

      JANUARY 27, 2017 AT 3:21 PM REPLY All of us in the A-Club share your fears and have had every one of them at one time or […] Read MoreJANUARY 27, 2017 AT 3:21 PM REPLY All of us in the A-Club share your fears and have had every one of them at one time or another. Autism is exhausting and overwhelming. But it is also medical and TREATABLE! All kids improve and some can even fully recover like my son did with proper medical treatment. If a child’s health and compromised immune system can be restored by treating hidden viruses and infections, parents no longer have to helplessly standby and watch their children slip away. You can Ryan's story here http://a.co/gBjDj1h. All profits go to create one-stop treatment centers called the Centers of Excellence. I'm working with Dr. Sue Swedo (NIH and PANDAS) along with physicians from USC KECK, UCSF, LA Children's to make them happen all over. Email me at marcia@autismandtreatment.com with your address. Autism is medical, treatable, and surmountable when you combine the medical, behavioral and educational interventions. But it isn't easy! Autism is complicated and the result of multiple issues with a child's immune system. Read Less

  • Marcia Hinds

    January 27, 2017 at 3:21 pm
    Reply

    Your feelings are so understandable and all of us in the A-Club have had every one of them at one time or another. Autism […] Read MoreYour feelings are so understandable and all of us in the A-Club have had every one of them at one time or another. Autism is exhausting and overwhelming. But it is also medical and TREATABLE! All kids improve and some can even fully recover like my son did with proper medical treatment. If a child’s health and compromised immune system can be restored by treating hidden viruses and infections, parents no longer have to helplessly standby and watch their children slip away. Can I send you a complimentary copy of my book I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE? You can Preview it here http://a.co/gBjDj1h. All profits go to create one-stop treatment centers called the Centers of Excellence. I'm working with Dr. Sue Swedo (NIH and PANDAS) along with physicians from USC KECK, UCSF, LA Children's to make them happen all over. Email me at marcia@autismandtreatment.com with your address. Autism is medical, treatable, and surmountable when you combine the medical, behavioral and educational interventions. But it isn't easy! Autism is complicated and the result of multiple issues with a child's immune system. Read Less

  • Emily Ferguson

    February 3, 2017 at 3:52 am
    Reply

    Yes, I have been slowly giving up hope over the last few years. Now that Sammy is 10 years old, I see that his […] Read MoreYes, I have been slowly giving up hope over the last few years. Now that Sammy is 10 years old, I see that his autism is definitely going to keep him from ever living independently. My husband gave up and was free a long time ago. I held onto hope, and it was so painful and a whole lot of work. A part of me will always hope to hear him talk, watch him play with a friend, learn how to read, etc. Now, I just want to raise him. He has aggressive autism behaviors, and my family has been considering placing him in a residential treatment facility. My mind can't even go down that road. I just want him home. That is all. I will put up with the long nights, the awful messes, the painful hair pulls,etc, because I want to feel his wet sloppy kisses on my check and press his forehead against mine. I just want him, autism and all. So, my only hope is to be his mother. The rest are just details. Read Less

  • Marcia Hinds

    March 15, 2017 at 2:52 pm
    Reply

    JANUARY 27, 2017 AT 3:21 PM REPLY Your feelings are so understandable and all of us in the A-Club have had every one of them at one […] Read MoreJANUARY 27, 2017 AT 3:21 PM REPLY Your feelings are so understandable and all of us in the A-Club have had every one of them at one time or another. Autism is exhausting and overwhelming. But it is also medical and TREATABLE! All kids improve and some can even fully recover like my son did with proper medical treatment. If a child’s health and compromised immune system can be restored by treating hidden viruses and infections, parents no longer have to helplessly standby and watch their children slip away. Can I send you a complimentary copy of my book I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE? You can Preview it here http://a.co/gBjDj1h. All profits go to create one-stop treatment centers called the Centers of Excellence. I'm working with Dr. Sue Swedo (NIH and PANDAS) along with physicians from USC KECK, UCSF, LA Children's to make them happen all over. Email me at marcia@autismandtreatment.com with your address. Autism is medical, treatable, and surmountable when you combine the medical, behavioral and educational interventions. But it isn't easy! Autism is complicated and the result of multiple issues with a child's immune system. Read Less

  • Cindy Roberts

    March 18, 2017 at 9:20 am
    Reply

    Please know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I am a grandmother to a 16 year old (17 next month) […] Read MorePlease know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I am a grandmother to a 16 year old (17 next month) that was diagnosed with PDD when he was 3 years old. Everyone's story is a little different but I think in every case there is a time when you have to come to terms with the truth. Some days are better than others. Some days are very scary. Right now for my grandson is a pretty good time. My daughter found a school that is so good for him and the doctors made some changes in his medication. The teacher is a big kind man who can handle my grandson when he becomes aggressive. He knows exactly what to do and it makes my daughter's daily life with my grandson easier. Don't give up. Just take it one day at a time and know that you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Read Less

  • Lillian Kunz

    April 3, 2017 at 1:43 pm
    Reply

    God Bless you and Cooper. Have you ever thought of introducing him to a dog that may change the way he would act and […] Read MoreGod Bless you and Cooper. Have you ever thought of introducing him to a dog that may change the way he would act and even love the dog and they could be best friends! Praying for you to not give up on other people who are so mean and uncaring. My nephew was nine when he finally got potty trained and still won't eat too much, very thin and will be eleven next week. His mom and dad are saints. he was adopted at birth! Prayers and hugs. Read Less

  • Smithd287

    April 3, 2017 at 5:44 pm
    Reply

    Hi there would you mind letting me know which webhost you're utilizing? I've loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I must say […] Read MoreHi there would you mind letting me know which webhost you're utilizing? I've loaded your blog in 3 different web browsers and I must say this blog loads a lot quicker then most. Can you suggest a good web hosting provider at a honest price? Thanks a lot, I appreciate it! dadbeeecebegaded Read Less

  • Charlene Garber

    April 29, 2017 at 10:49 am
    Reply

    I hear you and can appreciate your feelings as a mom of special needs. My sweet Brooke is 27 now and I too have […] Read MoreI hear you and can appreciate your feelings as a mom of special needs. My sweet Brooke is 27 now and I too have missed her while spending time in the same room with her. We have a quiet house now. The other kids are grown and gone. But there's Brooke. Always there to wash all my dishes and using up all the dish soap in a matter of a few washings. And being so proud of the great job she did cleaning the bathroom mirror by herself and then later I find she used half the paper towel roll and half the windex bottle in the process We may not get to enjoy conversations of daily thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams but her smile lights up a whole room with a soft answer and a brief encounter of encouraging words. All it takes is love. Love ties a shoe, answers a question a hundredth time in a row. Let's her have bologna every once and a while as you cringe knowing what's really good for her. It puts aside wants and dreams for her for the simple ways she does life. I do believe one day her mind and body will be renewed for this life on earth was never meant to last forever, but our hope is in a greater power. It's in the name of Jesus. And He sees us and hears our crys for a better way. He will one day make all things new. But for now I love on Brooke and see how she responds to love and realize I live with one of the purest examples of what the world needs more of. 💗 Read Less

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About Me
About Me

Hi, I'm Kate. I am the mother to a little boy with severe, nonverbal Autism. This is a glimpse into our heartwarming, sad, scary, funny, loving and secret world. Check out my video tab to hear me ramble about Autism.

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Confessions of A Special Needs Parent
Confessions of A Special Needs Parent

“I’m not planning for college. Instead I’m planning a way to pay for his care for the rest of his life.”
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