I Thought I Had More Time.

4c9728ff5aaafc75a9bbf38abdb3ca5dI am spiraling down fast. I’m finally seeing it. The behaviors. The rigidity. And it makes it hard for me to breathe.

Jamie was on a fishing trip so I flew solo with the boys this weekend. Cooper was Cooper and than add in dogs and a toddler. It is what it is. The problem is I saw Cooper’s rigidity like never before.  I think I can say I watched him unravel before my eyes. It’s bad. And it’s controlling every second of our lives. Every meal was a fight. Every thing was a fight actually. It was very eye opening.

I’m so close to giving up. I’m not strong enough for this. At least my heart isn’t.  I feel like life is happening around us and we are hiding out in our house. I can’t handle Cooper and Sawyer alone in public. Cooper weighs almost 40 lbs and when he decides to meltdown I have very limited movement while holding a baby.

Case and point. The ‘new’ worst Cooper experience ever.

I took the boys to Lake Superior on Saturday afternoon. It was gorgeous out and I was sick of sitting around. And Cooper’s favorite thing to do in the whole entire world is to go to the lake and throw rocks. We had a few mishaps on the stroller ride to the beach but arrived all in one piece. I pushed the double stroller 10 feet or so through the sand because my wallet and personal stuff was in it and I wanted to be able to keep my eye on it. Then the boys and I walked 30 feet or so to the lake.

Cooper was LOVING life. This is the environment that he loves. Lots of stuff to throw and water. His heaven.

After 30 minutes or so Sawyer and I were getting pretty antsy to go. I started telling Cooper it was almost time to go and he progressively got more animated while continuing to ignore me. And my anxiety began to rise. Slowly at first. After another 10 minutes or so I realized this was bad. There was no way I was going to get him out of there quietly and there were people every where. Plus, how was I going to manage Sawyer and the stroller and the sand. I started to really freak the F out.

I began throwing out bribes for movies and ice cream and cookies and every single thing I could think of. I even offered an iPad. I was desperate. No go.

I realized I had to make my move. Let me remind you that Cooper is over 40 pounds and Sawyer is over 30. I was F’d. I grabbed Cooper’s arm gently at first and he lost his shit. I had to eventually squeeze his arm and that turned into dragging him kicking and screaming. If he ran I wouldn’t be able to catch him. And there is a lake and people every where. Sawyer started to fight me and I had him like a sack of potatoes. By the time I got to the stroller the tears were in the back of my throat. I couldn’t for the life of me push that damn stroller because of the sand. Plus I only had one hand. I got Sawyer strapped in and chased after Cooper. A woman saw me and walked over and offered to help me push it through the sand. Thank you God for this women. Cooper kicked and screamed and hit at her if she got too close. By the time we make it to the boardwalk we were both frazzled. I could have hugged her.

Cooper2I could make excuses here. Hell, the old Kate would have had a million. He was tired. New environment. Bad transitioner. I can say them all. Or, I can say that his behaviors are getting to be too much. I can’t handle the kids alone in a new place. But the real truth is that these moments make me feel more alone than I ever thought possible. I can’t even put it into words. Are there other mom’s out there like me hiding in their houses and yards because they can’t risk taking their kids out alone?

I spend a lot of time looking at Cooper. Observing most likely. I do this way more with him than Sawyer. I watch every move. There was no hiding anything this weekend. He doesn’t play. His play is wrestling, throwing and watches movies. From the second he wakes up to the second he goes to bed. And he’s never going to talk. This is it.

I thought I had way more time. I thought he would be at least 5 or 6 before we would have an incident where I couldn’t handle him. It’s just too soon. And I’m scared.

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