My Firstborn Son’s Autism Diagnosis Humbled Me
My firstborn son’s autism diagnosis humbled me.
Why you may ask?
Because it was the first thing in my life that I couldn’t necessarily make better or easier or even change.
See, I am a fixer. And I am a hard worker. Two traits that I pride myself on.
And suddenly I was given a baby who didn’t develop typically. And never learned to talk. Or play. Or to understand this world.
Autism they said.
Severe nonverbal autism with a language impairment were the exact terms.
He was three years old.
His hair was course and blonde.
His eyes hazel.
A constant red to his cheeks.
He smelled like the wind.
He was mine.
He was perfect to me. And I so desperately wanted the rest of the world to see it too.
So I dove in. I researched. I made phone calls and appointments. I never stopped. Not for a second.
I just had to help my boy.
Only, it didn’t work. Not for a lot of years.
There was no correlation between my hard work and his success. Or so it seemed.
Autism humbled me. Because I couldn’t make it better. Not for him. And not for me.
I find myself in that place again. Only it’s not autism this time. It’s a different obstacle.
I didn’t cause it. It’s not my fault. And no matter how much I do I can’t fix it. And there is no help. Not for me anyways.
Success is not always correlated to me. Or what I do. Or how hard I work.
I am just the mom. The wife. The daughter. The woman. The advocate.
I am humbled. Once again. By this life. This unrelenting, beautiful, gracious, broken life.
I’ll leave you with this. A quote that carries me through. I whispered it from my knees all those years ago. And continue to do so today.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
And spoiler alert…my son is exactly who he is supposed to be. It was me who had to change. I just had to find the courage to do so.
I need to find the courage again.
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook.
