I Don’t Want it to be the Last Time

My sweet baby will be 5 weeks old tomorrow. I am right in the thick of it…the hard season of no sleep and around the clock nursing. She’s leaping as they say and the two of us watch the sunrise together before my other three toddle down the stairs one by one.

A few days ago I shared how the exhaustion was getting to me. How momming 4 kids felt like too much on no sleep.

And a dear friend of mine messaged me and said…‘during those hard exhausting moments I always reminded myself that this was my last baby. And that helped get me through. And coffee helped too.’

She’s right. She’s so right. This is my last baby. This is the last time I’ll rock in the chair for hours on end and smell my own sweet babies head.

This is the last time I’ll experience everything baby for the first time.

And it goes so fast. The days are so long and some nights feel like a hundred hours. But I feel like I blinked and my three boys are 10, 8 and 2.

I can’t tell you the last time I rocked my two year old to sleep. He wants to sleep in his big boy bed and not in mama’s arms. He wants to buckle his own car seat and put on his own shoes. And he’d much rather chase his older brothers than sit with me. We’ve had so many last times already. In just two years.

I don’t remember the last time I carried my 8 year old. Or held him on my lap. Although I do remember not that long ago thinking I still had time. Every day at some point he asks me if he can sleep with me and I say no because I’m waking up to feed a baby. But I worry that one day soon it will be the last time he will ask. I don’t want it to be the last time. Not yet.

And my first born…I don’t have to cut up his chicken nuggets into bite size pieces anymore. His socks fit my feet now and he often sneaks a t-shirt out of my closet. My husband mentioned shaving the other day and how that works with a child who doesn’t understand. I choked back the tears at the thought. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for the last time I look at his sweet baby face before it changes into a mans.

Each child seems to grow up faster than the previous one. And each one seems to speed up time.

I am tired. And I can’t tell you the last time I sat in the living room without someone climbing on me or a baby in my arms.

But I also want every second with my daughter. I want to hold her and smell her and soak up her squeaks and grunts and stretches.

Because someday there will be no more pacifiers or onesies and my house will be empty and quiet.

And my arms, they will be too.

I’ll have nothing but time. Funny how that simple thought can change a perspective. Suddenly, I want more time.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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