All I Can Do Is Hold Him

This is the face of a child who has suffered so much during this lockdown.

And yet, he still smiles.

He doesn’t understand why things are closed, or why he cannot go to school.

He doesn’t understand why his favorite places are closed or why we stay home all the time.

He doesn’t understand why we need to wear masks. I have tried, but he cannot wear one. It’s hard to explain to people why. No, he can’t wear a visor instead, trust me we are still working on it.

He doesn’t understand why he can’t attend his therapy center where he receives life sustaining skills and socialization. Where he’s treated like a celebrity when he walks in…

He doesn’t understand to distance himself from you.

He doesn’t understand why I don’t bring him to the store so he can see the lights, push the cart, or help put things on the conveyor belt. I worry the longer he can’t come with me, the more he will lose these skills. Yes, it took us years before we could shop together in a store. The sensory input was too much.

I didn’t know, I wish I had.

He doesn’t understand why his neighbor and his best friend Vish, his very own “Mr. Wilson” who gives him popsicles from the back yard fence and takes him to the park, cannot hug him. 

He cries.

And sometimes, it gets worse. It affects his mood, his sleep, his appetite.

He doesn’t know that he has lost so many skills, and that it will take so much time to get them back. 

There is no alternate schooling for him- no online learning, no in school instruction, no at home program.

No, we will not simply pick up where we left off.  Not him, not us.

No, we are not in this all together or in the same storm, or in the same boat.

Not him, not us.

So today, all I can do is to hold him. That’s all I can do right now.  

And it’s breaking me.

I know how to be grateful, it’s what I hold on to.  

But this is still breaking him, and he doesn’t know it.

Covid crushed us just a little more. 

So today, all we do is weather the storm. 

To those that are struggling and suffering, I see you too.

Written by, Maria Garito

My name is Maria and I live in Milton Ontario, Canada. I’m a high school teacher currently on leave because of chronic illness. My life’s work right now involves advocating for government funded Autism services and supports for children and adults. I also advocate for more special needs supports in schools.

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