Don’t Be Afraid of the Label

My son, Chase, started school a couple of weeks before his fifth birthday. He had never been in a school setting before. Had never been in a “structured” environment. 

That first year of school turned out to be, what I would say, just short of, a disaster. 

Chase was in trouble multiple times a week. 

I felt like I was getting a call at least once a day, and was in meetings every two to three weeks. 

I was told Chase had aggression and anger issues. 

Chase was throwing a lot of fits. 

Chase was not getting along with other students. 

Chase cried…a lot. 

I was also told that Chase “is so smart that it is scary.”

At the age of five, kids had already figured out they were able to “set Chase off” into a tantrum, and they would do it often. 

Chase was put at a desk, alone, in a corner of the room. This was supposed to “help him focus.”

At the time I felt helpless. I knew my son was going through some issues, but I had no idea how to help him. And I felt like he was slipping through the cracks. 

First grade, second grade, third grade — a lot of the same behaviors. The same reports. 

The same issues with his peers. 

The same “fit throwing” and crying. 

But as always, Chase “is so smart that it is scary.”

I felt like we were being lost in a sea of “this kid is out of control” and “this kid needs discipline.”

And while I knew these comments had merit, I also struggled to believe these things.

Now, looking back, much earlier, I can see the signs..

When Chase was around two years old, I had started to realize that he truly was incredibly smart…yet he was always fixated on things…especially his routine…things had to be in a certain order. Any change in his routine, or any change to a schedule that he didn’t know about, and it was World War III between him and whoever happened to get caught in the crossfire. 

I had a hard time keeping him on task. 

He walked with a certain gait — high up on his toes, arms flapping by his side. 

When my youngest, Tanner was born…any time he would cry, Chase would become hysterical because it was too loud..in fact, he seemed to hate all loud environments. 

He was a really picky eater. 

He would never make eye contact.

He wouldn’t allow people to touch his head..especially when getting a haircut, and touching his ears caused panic. 

These were all signs of an Autism diagnosis..but also all signs I chose to overlook. I was completely in denial… 

He was just a rambunctious little boy, I would always tell myself. 

He’s just tired. 

He’s just having a rough day. 

All these things I told myself to justify that he wasn’t “different.” And yet, each of these signs continued to create chaos in our lives.

I took Chase to a therapist when he was four or five. We saw a psychiatrist and went through testing. 

They told me my four year old had severe ADHD. 

I was also told he had Bipolar Disorder. 

I chose to seek treatment for the ADHD, but I just couldn’t believe he could have a bipolar diagnosis. 

And so I went years arguing that. 

After the ADHD diagnosis came a few others — anxiety disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, and that word I had spent so many days and weeks and months telling myself he didn’t have…Autism. 

But still, I couldn’t get behind a bipolar diagnosis…it was just too much…too scary to me. 

And so I kept pushing him forward, doing the best I could to help him regulate his behaviors. 

Doing the best I could to help him focus. 

Help him do his school work. 

Help him control his outbursts and aggression. 

Help him become the super smart, sweet, caring, loving, funny boy that I knew him to be. 

Fifth grade came about and everything fell apart….

Chase spent more time in the responsibility room than he did in his normal class setting. He ended the school year with four suspensions, multiple in school detentions, loss of many privileges, loss of friends, and failing grades. 

I was again told that Chase “is so smart” but that that Chase has aggression issues. 

“He lacks focus.”

“If he was just motivated to do the work, his grades would be so much better.”

There was talk between his teachers and I of holding him back and making him repeat 5th grade. But in my heart I felt like this would do much more harm than good for my boy. 

And I began to fight. 

At this point I realized that by ME being quiet, by ME not pushing harder, my son was failing.

I was failing him. 

I was the one in denial, and my boy was the one suffering because of it.

Because all of these years I was afraid…afraid of the label and what might come with it…with all of them. 

I was afraid he would be treated differently that he wouldn’t belong.

But my fear was preventing people from being able to help him.

My fear was depriving him of the services and medication he so desperately needed.

My fear led to him being labeled the wrong thing..like the “bad kid.”

He wasn’t bad..he needed help. 

I took him back to the psychiatrist when he was ten years old and had him retested. Again, we ended the testing with the usual diagnoses — severe ADHD, anxiety disorder, Tourette’s Syndrome, Autism. 

And again…we were given that dreaded diagnosis that I was so terrified of.. my son was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, mostly depressive type. 

But now I was able to see it…able to agree with it…and I was able to get my sweet boy the help he truly needed. 

I started the fight for an IEP…after a few months of struggle, and with the help of some friends, my boss, and Chase’s teachers, we were able to secure the IEP that he so desperately needed. 

It has made such a positive change in his life! 

This year Chase is in 6th grade (we did not have him repeat 5th), which is middle school..middle school was another two word phrase that scared the daylights out of me. 

How would this boy of mine, who has failing grades and little to no self regulation, survive? 

Guess what..this has been his best year ever!

Because of his IEP, Chase was put into three special education classes (math, reading, and a core support class where he learns life skills and is allowed extra time to do work from his other classes) and then three regular classes. 

He was not allowed any electives (band,gym, foreign language etc.) because they did not fit into his special ed requirements..this was a huge disappointment to him. He wanted nothing more than to be in gym. 

Multiple times I had to remind him that he was the only one able to change this…he was the one who had decided to not do any work last year, so his grades reflected the need for a lot of extra help. 

This past week I had an IEP meeting at his school and I left that meeting feeling so encouraged. All of his teachers, and his social worker, sang Chase’s praises. 

I was told how sweet he is, how much of a hard worker he is, how he loves to be involved, and once again, how smart he is..all characteristics I have always seen in my boy, but things others have always lacked noticing. 

In the eyes of so many, Chase was just another out of control kid. 

I’d never once left a school meeting without being in tears. 

Tears of sadness.

Tears of frustration.

Tears of anger. 

Now I was leaving a meeting in tears because I was so happy! 

What we had been fighting for…for years was finally working..people were listening to me. 

Looking for ways to HELP Chase. 

He’s no longer the boy who was put at a desk, in the corner, alone…he is now the boy who is included. And he is excelling!!

It has been decided that Chase is doing so well in his reading classes that he no longer meets the special ed requirements for additional instruction. 

This opens up one hour a day for him….one hour which he is now able to fill with the elective he wanted so badly. 

My boy is finally in his gym class.

He is working so hard this year, and it is showing, in every aspect of life. 

We still have a long way to go with him, and his grades still have a lot of room to improve, but I couldn’t be any prouder of my sweet guy if I tried.

And this momma still has a fight in her if needed..one that has been kept bottled up for so long…one that I am finally ready for.

Because I’m no longer afraid of the label.

Written by, Stacey Craven-Abram

I’m Stacey. I am a 34 year old single mother of two amazing boys — Chase (11) and Tanner (7). I work full time as a receptionist for a family practice physician. While my “9-5” keeps me busy through the day, my job as a mom keeps me much busier! Yet it is my favorite job, my favorite part of life. Even with all of our troubles, stresses, and ups and downs, my boys and I have a truly amazing life…the Three Musketeers always.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.