Why is he the Hardest One?

‘Mama, I want to get a bait caster. It’s for fishing. Then I can catch huge ones like dad.’

Pause. Silence.

‘Mama, when you chew gum and then drink water, does it feel weird in your mouth?’

‘Sometimes I guess.’

‘Yeah, I don’t like it one bit. Maybe I won’t chew gum anymore. But I like gum. Maybe I won’t drink water. Yes, that’s a better idea.’

Giggle. Pause. Silence.

‘Mama, what is 6 plus 6?’

’12 buddy.’

‘Oh, what’s 12 plus 6 because that’s how many bait casters that I want.’

Sigh. Pause. Silence.

‘Mama, why were all those kids at Cooper’s baseball game last night?’

‘What do you mean Sawyer? They were on his team.’

Pause. Silence.

‘But, why? Why are those kids on his team? They aren’t like Cooper at all.’

I knew exactly what he was asking.

Last night we had a Miracle League Baseball Game for Cooper. It’s one of my most favorite things ever.

Amazing parents and cool kids.

We get to spend an hour with people who get it. Who also live our life. There is no judgement. There is no staring.

We get to be ourselves.

Jamie and I bring Sawyer and Harbor too. We go as a family. I chase Cooper typically. Jamie manages the baby. Sawyer helps field.

And after we have doughnuts.

It’s a huge deal to us because a year ago this would not have been possible.

I rarely give advice…but here is some.

Find your people. Find a place you can go as a family and be yourself. Google Miracle League Sports in your community.

Anyhow, I knew what he was asking.

He was asking why Cooper was the only kid that screamed. Why he was the only kid who rolled on the ground and kicked. And refused to try. I knew.

Sawyer is really starting to notice. He is 6. He is observant.

‘Yes they are. Some of them have autism. Some have Down Syndrome. Some are unable to walk. Some just need a little extra help. Miracle League let’s them play baseball with a little extra help. You know buddy. You help too.’

Pause. Silence.

I could tell he was thinking about autism. And Cooper. And those kids.

The wheels were turning.

See, Sawyer lives severe, nonverbal autism. It’s the only kind he knows.

‘But mom. Those kids have autism too? They are nothing like him.’

Before I could answer he whispered…’Why is Cooper the hardest one? All the other kids try.’

I understand why he sees it that way. And, he’s not wrong.

Cooper spends a good majority of time spent away from home running, sitting. flopping and screaming. Often all at once.

I went onto explain to him that we are doing everything we can to help Cooper feel better so he can be happier. I told him how continuing to go and do things is helping all of us. How Cooper is learning.

We talked about how a year ago none of this would have been possible. I pointed out how much better he is doing.

‘I just don’t understand why he has to be the most autistic one mama. It’s not fair.’

Sometimes, I don’t have answers. I try and say the right things. I try to always model good behavior and educate and teach.

But Sawyer’s questions are getting more gown up. He is not so little anymore.

This is hard stuff. And while I know he is getting a front row seat at inclusion, adversity, diversity, differences, and advocacy, I know that it can be really hard too.

Especially at 6 years old.

I will never shame him for talking about the hard and confusing. Because as an adult, I can say with certainty, it’s never good once we stop talking.

A few minutes later he asked about going on a fishing trip. And visiting Grandma.

He moved on.

I thought about his question quite a bit after I dropped him off for his day. It’s one that I have too.

I don’t know why we can be in a group of our peers and have the only kid melting down. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers.

I just have to believe if we keep trying, and never give up, it will get better.

That’s what I will tell Sawyer. That’s what I will tell myself.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.