Will you just be my Mom Now?

I remember distinctively being a little girl and being so excited to sleep in my mom’s big bed when my dad went out of town.

It was such a treat. It was the best part of him going on a trip.

My son Sawyer now feels the same way.

Last night, as I was putting all three boys to bed, Sawyer said to me, ‘Mom, since dad is gone, can I sleep with you?’

I still had a dozen things to do before bed so I said maybe. I said I’d check on him when I was ready for bed and if he was still awake he could sleep with me.

I knew he’d wait up for me. That’s my little guy.

Cooper, he has no idea really. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t care about laying in bed with mom, stretching out, and talking about stuff.

Either way. It stings. It always has.

I did my stuff. Let the dogs out. Set the alarm. Washed some bottles. Plugged in every single device I could find.

I was taking a break and watching the news when I heard the little feet tip toeing down the stairs.

Step. Step. Step.

And then a little head peeked around the corner.

He looked so small. He was holding his blanket. The one he has slept with almost every night since he was born.

He looked down at me from the staircase and said, ‘Will you just be my mom now?’

I seriously gasped and said, ‘what did you say?’

And then the little voice said, ‘I meant, will you just sleep with me now mom? I’ve been waiting.’

I smiled and said absolutely. I shut the news off. Turned the lights off.

And up we went to bed. He was so excited he could hardly stand it.

We talked for over an hour. And by that I mean, Sawyer told me stories. He asked me questions. And he snuggled me the whole entire time.

The giggles that I have always dreamed I would hear coming from my boys bunk beds came from my room.

He told me that Japan is a country.

He asked about my dog Bailey that died. He told me all about heaven.

I told him stories about how I used to build forts in the woods when I was a little girl.

He asked me about the time his dad fell through the ice.

He told me that sometimes he wishes Cooper didn’t live here.

He asked why Cooper’s voice doesn’t work.

He asked if his autism will ever go away?

He said he can’t wait for Harbor to learn to walk.

He went on and on.

Every few minutes he’d say, ‘Don’t forget to snuggle me mama.’

I don’t think I have ever loved an hour more than I did last night.

Listening to Sawyer talk and ask questions is the most fascinating, beautiful, amazing thing ever.

After he fell asleep I let myself think about what he said…or at least what I thought I heard.

‘Will you just be my mom now?’

Such a profound thing to say. I swear that kid is wise beyond his years.

So often I feel pulled into a million different directions as a mom. And then add in a new baby. Breastfeeding. Autism. Behaviors. Working.

It’s a lot.

My little Sawyer is my constant. He needs me to sit in bed with him and talk. It’s really that simple.

I need to remind myself to slow down. And always have time for moments like these.

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