To the Parts of You I Haven’t Met Yet

You were a gift from the moment the little blue + sign appeared to my young 20-year-old self. You were a literal dream come true.

I dreamed of the person you’d be, the memories I’d make with you, what your hobbies would be, your little personality, the sweet voice you would have, and every single little part of being your Mommy.

I never imagined it being difficult, because my love for you was already so strong. I was excited to endure everything that I would have to for you and celebrate everything that you were.

I couldn’t have prepared myself for you. For the love I would have for you, the heartache I would have, the passion for life you would give me, or the changes in me that would come from being your Mom.

Your diagnosis wasn’t a surprise, but the grief was. The fight was. The pure chaos of autism was.

I can tell you though, out of everything, the hardest part is not knowing you.

Of course, I know some things that make you happy.

I know your favorite show, some favorite foods, your favorite outfits, some of the things you like to do, and some of the things that scare you. But I do not know a single thing that goes on in your mind.

I don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. I don’t know what exactly you want to do today.

You can’t tell me what’s wrong when you’re crying and screaming. You can’t tell me you love me or even call me “Mommy.”

So often the question haunts me, “what if I live my entire life and never know if my baby is truly happy?”

What if I never get inside your brilliant little mind and truly know you who are?

I like to think that we will come to some incredible break through and things will change for you, but what if they don’t?

So often I pray and just hope that in whatever little language you can understand, that God makes sure you know and feel how much I love you. In that same way, I think you will learn how proud I am.

I don’t need you to know how much I fight, I’m your Mom, that’s my job. But I do need you to know that even if your talents and hobbies consist of building block towers and coloring Paw Patrol pictures for the rest of your life, I will be your biggest supporter.

I need you to know that I will never put limits on what you can do, and I won’t let anyone else either. I will work tirelessly to help you find your purpose and place, whatever that may be.

I am learning to find you in the little facial expressions you make. I am learning to focus in on what you take interest in to find what passions may be inside you.

I let you play with your Dad’s tools, your sister’s art supplies, and my kitchen utensils.

I watch your face and your body language to see if any little sparks of joy I see can lead me to part of you that you can’t tell me exists.

I so desperately search for any little window into your future and the mind that I can’t seem to get into.

While it seems like you won’t ever leave whatever world you disappear to in your mind, I won’t ever give up searching.

To the parts of you I haven’t met yet, I promise we will meet some day, no matter what it takes.

Love,

Mommy

Written by, Alena Rodgers

My name is Alena and I’m from York, PA. I’m the Momma of a 3.5 year old boy with severe nonverbal autism. He is my world and a pure joy to our family.

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