She is Perfect

Our little girl sat and looked at our dog whilst laughing and moved in a way I had never seen her move before. That was the moment I knew.

We had suspected from the age of two that our little girl could be on the spectrum but she was still young and needed more time.

I hadn’t felt sadness about it until that moment.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. They were tears of sadness because I knew things would be more difficult for her and it wasn’t her fault.

Was it my fault?

Had I done something?

Did I get pregnant too soon after our miscarriage?

So many thoughts ran through my head. I suddenly stopped. she is such a happy little girl.

I need to be strong. I can do this. I can help her. I’m her mummy.

Our health visitor was brilliant and suggested a sensory toddler group. I went and came away telling my husband she was nothing like any of those children.

Each time I went I realised she was like the children in so many ways, I just hadn’t seen it in that first session.

I began researching all the time. All those sleepless nights made sense.

The previous year I had suffered with exhaustion…it all made sense.

She had never even tried to say mummy…it all made sense…she had never thrown a tantrum…it all made sense.

Finally, everything made sense.

She was due to start nursery so we went to view a couple and we felt she wouldn’t be safe. All the children had the understanding or start of speech and our little girl didn’t have that. I cried again, it hit me.

How could I leave her in that environment where she wouldn’t understand anyone and they wouldn’t understand her? I had been with her every day.

I knew her needs and emotions without her having to tell me.

The hardest thing was the unknown. It was too early to know anything and we had a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered.

I found it tough in those first few weeks. People would talk to her and expect an answer. It became easier to tell people we were waiting for her assessment but then people would say I’m sorry.

I hate that. There’s nothing to be sorry for.

She is the best little girl. She gives me the biggest cuddles all the time and laughs & giggles.

She’s the happiest little girl and I love spending my time with her. She is so beautiful in every way.

It hasn’t always been easy. There have been moments that I won’t forget.

The worst was the first. I was in shock and I still don’t know how I didn’t say anything.

I don’t think I had the words to even know how to respond to it and it was only after I left that I really felt the pain of those words.

‘She looks like a serial killer.’

How could anybody say that about her? She was stimming because she was happy.

We were leaving anyway and they didn’t know I had heard. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

I walked across the road into the shop and suddenly my eyes filled up. I felt the pain for my little girl. It really hurt. The sadness kicked in again.

I had been doing so well but this really got me. I prayed I wouldn’t see anyone I knew because I knew I would cry.

That day was the day I knew I would have to fight for everything my little girl needed to make her life the best it could be. I looked into everything.

We got help at home, one session a week to help with her social interaction and communication. This lady has been so important to us and I will never be able to thank her enough.

From the moment she walked through the door she has been a massive support to us and my daughter loves it when she comes for the session.

There was also my little boy’s friends mum. I had only just met her but she was in the same world as me and had been in it for a lot longer.

She listened to me and gave advice. She understood the bad days but saw the good in it all like me too. I can’t thank her enough either.

She was interested and asked how appointments went when she didn’t need to. I am so grateful for that. I needed that. I needed someone to reassure me.

There was also the lady from my little girl’s group. We go once a week and she always asks how we are and plays with my little girl. She understands that even though she can’t respond she loves going to the group.

She has supported me like a friend and we were strangers. All three were strangers to start with who showed us such kindness and helped us in so many ways. I will never forget these three ladies.

You are all amazing.

In this time my daughter has improved massively. She has put so much time and work into learning to talk and interacting with people. It doesn’t come easy to her.

She will sing any song she hears but talking is so hard for her. Sometimes it’s hard avoiding meltdowns and figuring out what is making her anxious but a lot of the time we can prevent this.

She is a little ray of sunshine.

I look at her and she stares in my eyes and I just feel so lucky that I have her in my life.

I know we will have a conversation one day.

We will get there together but if we don’t that’s OK too. I am learning how to communicate better with her each day just as she is with me.

I have learnt so much in this last year and I will keep learning for her.

She is perfect.

Written by, Kirsty

Kirsty is a stay at home mum to an amazing little boy and little girl.

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