Our Week in Seven Photos

Taking photos of my beautiful boys and crazy, wild life is one of my favorite things to do. Part of me wishes I would have became a photographer. Photos show our life in a way that my written words never could.

One thing that I struggle the most with is that fact that Cooper simply can’t go places with our family. He doesn’t enjoy it. He gets WAY too much anxiety. He doesn’t understand that he is supposed to sit. Or wait. He gets nervous. And wild.

So, we made the decision in the past few months that we would hire someone, that he loves, to be with him in our home for a few hours a week so we could take Sawyer out in the community. It’s been the best decision we’ve ever made. It’s a win-win for everyone. Cooper stays home and gets spoiled. Yesterday he drew trains for hours with his PCA. And we get to take Sawyer out and spoil him.

Yesterday, we went to one of our favorite cafes and ran into Santa. Sawyer was in heaven. As we were snapping this picture I felt that pain in my heart. I wish Cooper was here. I wish he could do this. I wish he could enjoy a life outside of our home. I wish, I wish, I wish. It’s not getting any easier to miss him. But my job in this world is to make sure he is happy. And dragging him out to a restaurant wouldn’t do that.

We brought Harbor in for his two month check-up. He weighed in at 15.3 pounds. He is cooing, smiling, laughing and growing. At the end of the appointment, like the three before this one, I brought up autism. I bring it up because I’m scared. I bring it up because I want someone to talk with me about it. I can’t ignore it this time. And while I have no reason to believe this baby is autistic, I have to talk about it with my doctor.

It keeps me sane. I ask about speech milestones. Sleeping, eye contact, etc. It makes me feel better. And yet, I always cry. Just like I cried at the three appointments before this one. My husband thinks I’m crazy. He hugs me. He smiles. He tells me to calm down. He tells me it’s going to be fine. And he will never truly know how much that means to me.

This month is Friendship Month at Sawyer’s school. He came home last week and told me had had to draw a picture of people that are different than him. It was for a contest. And he desperately wanted to win. Can I just say that my son has a competitive streak in him like no other.

Anyhow, I asked him what he wanted to draw. And he said our neighborhood. As I was reading the directions I told him that he should draw a picture of his brothers. Cooper, Sawyer and Harbor. And talk about how they are the same yet different. He burst into tears and screamed at me….’no mom. No autism this time.’ I forget sometimes how suffocating it can be to have a brother with a disability. I need to be more mindful of that.

We settled on his hockey team. I helped and Grandpa helped. I’m pretty sure he nailed it.

Did you know that using silverware can be really, really hard? It’s a skill that Cooper has been working on for years. He can’t seem to quite keep the spoon or fork turned the right way. Typically, everything falls off. He gets frustrated. Utensils are thrown. Tears are shed. Food is dumped on the ground. And he gives up. But not this time.

Cooper and I spent 10 minutes or so eating this little container of apple sauce. He did an amazing job. Yes, the spoon twisted and turned over every single time. He got about 60% of it in his mouth. But he TRIED. And he didn’t give up. That is the most important part. A willingness to try. He also absolutely loved the giant cookie he got when he was done.

I had to throw this photo in because it makes me laugh. Our black lab Chloe is a night eater. She steals food off counters and out of pantries. And she feels SO GUILTY after. She always gives herself up by wagging her tail.

Well, over the weekend, she snuck in our pantry and ate a whole gingerbread house. And she wonders why she can’t lose weight. Thankfully, it wasn’t all a lost. Buddy the Elf was able to use it for his nightly antics. Sawyer thought it was hilarious. And even took a bite of the house. And promptly spit it out when I told him Chloe ate it.

Jamie watched the boys while I ran a few errands. This photo sums it all up. Harbor’s face…WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? And where is my mom?

I am really trying to make an effort to get out of the house for a few hours every few days. I’ve noticed that as Cooper’s anxiety rises, and life gets harder, I get pretty sad. So I’m trying to practice that self-care stuff that is always preached at me. When I’m out, I typically soak up the silence. It really is very relaxing. Until I get photos like this snapped to me. Thanks dad!

And lastly, my three boys. Every single day, and I mean every single day, I work with Cooper on being near his brothers. I have him wave to them. Touch them. And sit by them. We are building up to ten seconds. I know that sounds so silly. But to us this is huge. It took him nearly six years to acknowledge Sawyer. And only 52 days to acknowledge Harbor.

This photo means everything to me. They are so handsome. So full of life and joy.

All in all, Cooper had a really good weekend. His anxiety was very minimal. I’m glad we are coming out of that tough streak.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.