I Want You To Make Me Go Away Mommy

Today, I picked up my five year old son with autism from preschool, screaming, hyperventilating, and distraught. His one and only best friend decided he didn’t want to play with Jackson today. He’d found other friends he’d rather play legos with. That amazing friend is so wonderfully typical. Jackson didn’t understand the simplicity and normality of his sweet friend’s behavior.

You see, my sweet, friendly, lover of life and all people in it, son, enjoys being around ALL children. But he will forever be the person to truly appreciate and desire a true relationship. He’d rather have one good friend than a million acquaintances. His loyalty to those he loves most is overwhelming.

After hours of trying to calm him, beg him to eat, coax him to play, my sweet innocent boy took deep breaths and gasped out words I’ll never forget and never dream in a million years that anyone close to me would say, let alone my loving, usually happy five year old.

“I don’t like myself anymore. I want you to make me go away, Mommy. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Gut wrenching and heartbroken, I held back tears so he couldn’t see the terror in my eyes and I held him tight and didn’t want to let go. Ever.

He’d made SO much progress in the last few years of ABA, speech, OT, PT, and one-on-one special ed…. I thought we were in a good place.

But he was getting ready to make his first big transition in life. Off to kindergarten in two short weeks. The overwhelm of all the change had slowly become too much for him and he was done. He literally wanted to be done and throw in the towel and not have to carry the weight of the stress and anxiety he felt daily that I still cannot manage to wrap my head around.

I thought we’d adequately prepared him for this.

To my husband and I, autism has been nothing but peaks and valleys. The second we celebrate the triumphant victory of milestones met and IEP goals achieved, we get kicked in the gut and brought back to reality.

The reality of autism that does not go away. It only goes through seasons. Through highs and lows. Through good days and miserable ones. Often we take two steps forward, one step back, sometime vice versa. But we keep going.

Next we’ll seek out therapy for his anxiety that has not yet been diagnosed. But it will be. It’s there. It’s obvious. It will forever be part of him.

He’s part of the seventy-five percent of individuals on the spectrum that inherit one or more of the dreaded comorbidities. Anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, seizures, GI issues, etc, as if the autism alone isn’t enough.

But we’ll continue to tackle this, too.

Until we’re taking more steps forward than back I will fight with everything I have to give him his best shot at living a life where he can love himself. That’s all that matters to me now.

With every fiber of my being it is my mission in life to make this amazing child realize his worth and his value. I pray he finds it within and he makes a big place in this world for himself.

Until then, I will continue to tell him daily how he will change the world someday until he believes it himself. He’s definitely changed mine in so many ways that I will never possibly be able to thank him enough for.

Written by, Lynn Reasons

Lynn is married to her best friend and greatest teammate as they raise their sweet five year old, Jackson, with high functioning autism. Lynn loves her new role as a school nurse and now three years in to their autism journey, is passionate about helping guide newly diagnosed families through the beginning of theirs.

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Comments

  • Margot

    August 10, 2018 at 7:40 pm
    Reply

    Wow, tough moment. I have been through similar ones with my daughter. She is now 20, and I know what you mean about peaks and […] Read MoreWow, tough moment. I have been through similar ones with my daughter. She is now 20, and I know what you mean about peaks and valleys. There are lots more peaks in your future though, I am sure! I look forward to following your journey! Read Less

  • Jenny Brinkley

    November 16, 2018 at 11:28 pm
    Reply

    I’m sorry that all parents going through the peaks and valleys of the known and unknown with their children have to do this. Not […] Read MoreI’m sorry that all parents going through the peaks and valleys of the known and unknown with their children have to do this. Not having an autistic child myself, but having worked with them and a very good friend whose adult son is on the spectrum as well as a sister in-law who teaches in a private school for autistic children in Virginia, I am aware of the extremes and the daily life. I want to say that the other problems that come with this, I feel your pain. Somehow the other health issues oddly enough, also come with type1 diabetes. Or so it seems as our grandson, Noah has acquired several of the mentioned since his T1d diagnosis. He has since been diagnosed with depression( no wonder with his life as he knew it being turned upside down) ADHD, anxiety and seizures. The meds he has to take have to be juggled to match up with his diabetes and insulin and they can’t make him lose his appetite because as a diabetic he HAS to eat! His numbers are all over the place. We can’t seem to find a happy medium with them because his little body isn’t cooperating most of the time. Thank goodness he has an insulin pump! And thank goodness he is good with the finger sticks while he’s sleeping in the middle of the night. There is so much to it. Like your kiddos, IF he goes to a birthday party even at the age of 9 ( he’s been diabetic since age 6) he has to have a grandparent or parent with him because When he eats, his sugar has to be checked first and then the carb counting and giving insulin ( now through his pump:) it has to match up to the amount of carbs he eats. Cheese and meat are free but who wants that all the time? It’s a lot to go into. Way more that I’m sure you want to hear. But just know that you aren’t alone. I worry about a high or a low when he has a sleepover here. Then he needs a correction or to have something to eat to get his sugar back up ( I’m the Grammy and about the only one who will do this with him because of what’s involved) He can’t have sleepovers at a friend’s house because... insulin..finger sticks times two at night and if he has a high or low you have to treat it. Many reasons we are all battling a monster. This doesn’t even touch the top of the iceberg or include his other problems but just be strong and know there are others who have empathy for you. You have my empathy, All of you. Read Less

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Finding Cooper's Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you're never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village....all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to my page!

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