I am Thankful for Those Rare Moments

I’m going to be real here.

Throughout the frustration, the exhaustion, the tears and screaming, I really start to question how much I can handle sometimes.

There are days where I really don’t want to get out of bed and face the day.

There are days where I want to hide away, just for five minutes of peace.

There are days where I want to scream and cry.

There are days when I truly do think, ‘autism really sucks.’

Then, there is the feeling of guilt that for a brief moment I feel like I can’t handle it all.

What I am learning is that it is perfectly okay to have these types of days. It only means I’m human. And that this is really hard stuff.

But then there are the rare moments, where my boy comes to me, smiles and looks me straight in the eye. He will cuddle me, laugh with me and every bad feeling, every bad day, every thing else just melts away.

I’m telling you now, these are the moments that make it all worth it. I will always cherish these moments, as they can go as quickly as they come.

Today, I had one of these rare moments. For just a few minutes my son put his head against mine, laughed and interacted with me. He touched my face with such care, looking into my eyes and smiling.

To be honest today had been really awful, I felt like I wasn’t doing anything right for him.

I felt like I was failing him today.

But then he cuddled me.

He doesn’t usually like physical contact. He doesn’t cuddle, he doesn’t hold my hand, he definitely doesn’t look me in the eyes. If I try and pick him up or cuddle him, he pushes me away, screaming.

I am still learning about my son’s autism.

I am not sure if it’s a sensory thing, but in all honesty I hate not being able to cuddle him or pick him up. I just want to hold my boy.

So, I will hold onto these rare moments as long as I can.

These moments are the much needed boost to keep me going on such an awful day.

Today, I am thankful for those rare moments.

Written by, Ashleigh Dyer

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This post originally appeared on AutismMummyAu.