Looking Back

I’ve been down since Cooper’s birthday. So has Jamie. We’ve done a very good job isolating ourselves and Cooper. And when you live in a bubble it’s incredibly easy to block out delays and differences. But the party brought it all out. No hiding. Don’t even get me started on age 4 as a milestone.

I know we will bounce back. We always do. It just needs to run its course.

So, anyhow I spent the night looking at videos on my iPad. I absolutely love seeing videos of the boys as babies. Before I really knew. And I stumbled across this video.

http://youtu.be/AKhjJLB6zSE

The first thing I noticed is how little Sawyer is. I watched the video from start to finish and laughed at how I am a combination of desperate and excited about Sawyer talking. His voice is my favorite sound in the world.

And then I watched it again. And heard Cooper screaming. My anxiety started to rise. I felt it in my stomach. And realized I didn’t even hear him the first time. This video is 6 months or so ago and it was during the phase where all he wanted to do was watch movies in the truck. It was a tough phase. And if it wasn’t winter it would still be happening.

I watched it again and noticed how it’s a beautiful afternoon and remembered how I brought icecream sandwiches out for the boys. And Cooper wouldn’t eat it. He only wanted to watch a movie in the truck. And if we didn’t let him he would run for the road.

I got mad at him as I watched it over and over again.

I’m really on this ‘What Autism Looks Like To Me’ kick because I think people have no idea. I know I didn’t. Autism to me looks like a distraction. A loud, stressed out kid in a non stressful situation. And parents that are just trying to survive.

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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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