A Conversation with Myself

A couple nights ago Cooper was being a real bear as I was putting him to bed.

I read him a story, tucked him in, put up the gate at the door to his room, grabbed the baby monitor, and went downstairs to continue my never-ending packing journey.

We were moving in a few days. A new city. New services for Cooper.

As I suspected Coops did not want to go to sleep and screamed/yelled at the gate.

Normally, I don’t let it bother me. Sleep is not something he likes to do. At age three he still wakes up 5-10 times a night and starts his day at 4 am.

I’m used to his bedtime refusal so typically I watch him on the monitor, check back up every so often, put him back in bed and go on with my night.

But, tonight, it frustrated me. I can admit that.

I was tired.

My day was long, starting before 5 am, with so many behaviors, work and therapy, and I just wanted a smooth evening.

And, baby Sawyer was sleeping in the room next to Cooper’s.

I let him fuss for a few minutes or so and then went up to check. I came around the corner and I saw him standing there holding a Thomas book.

As he sees me he wipes his alligator tears, smiles and takes my hand.

And it hit me. Just as it usually does in this hand/palm way….the poor kid can’t talk. He can’t simply say, “Mom, can you read me another story?”

God it is so frustrating. I can’t even imagine what it feels like for him.

We were past story time so I climbed in bed with him in hopes that he would pass out quickly.

He couldn’t stop wiggling. His legs were bouncing. His arms jiggling. He never stops moving.

He was holding this ladybug thing that projected stars up on the ceiling in red and blue. He looked so innocent.

I pretended to close my eyes in hopes that he would fall asleep faster. And as I did that my mind went a little crazy.

I had an internal dialogue with myself.

Please God make him better. Please, please, please. Please let him talk. I just need him to talk.

Fix this. Please fix this. I’ll do anything if you just help him.

You have to help him. He is struggling so badly and it’s not fair.

That’s so stupid to wish for Kate.

He can’t be fixed. And what kind of freaking mother wishes their kid would be different. And to make it worse, you are an autism mom.

The other moms would kill you if they knew you wished that.

DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG.

I wonder what his voice would sound like? What’s in his head right now? Does he think like me?

I can’t believe he is almost four. I am dreading his birthday. It’s just so hard.

It was easier when he was turning 2 and 3. No one cared then. No one cared if he hid under the table or refused to open presents. He was a baby then.

I don’t want to see all the other kids the same age. It hurts too much. They will play the games. And blow out his candles. And open his presents.

I know he is going to hit himself in the head. And everyone will stare. I know it.

God, I am so horrible. What is wrong with me?

Why aren’t I happy? I have a beautiful, amazing boy.

Maybe I’m crazy. Again, Kate, DO NOT PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG.

And get your shit together.

I want to go downstairs. I hate that it’s like this. I hate that it’s so hard for him to sleep. And eat. And play. And ride in the car.

I hate that a two step process takes 17 steps. I want easy.

Do I throw a party? What’s the point? He wouldn’t care.

Do I invite people? What if he just watches tv? I could hide the tv….but then he will just scream for the tv.

My friends and family will judge me if I don’t have a party for him.

I can’t win.

Who would I invite?

He doesn’t have any friends.

Oh, my, God, I have a 4 year old who doesn’t have any friends. Nor does he care. (Insert tears)

What if he never makes friends?

What if he never wants to be friends with his brother? He still has never really acknowledged him.

How can he not pay any attention to his brother?

Sawyer spent the entire weekend talking about two babies at his daycare. He loves babies. And kids.

How can Cooper not care about him? Or other people?

Except me of course. Poor Sawyer. Maybe I should have another baby.

Bahhaaaaa. That’s hilarious. But maybe…A good mom would have another baby.

Jamie says I think too much about Cooper. The problem is I don’t know how not too. He is my life.

I try to shut if off and I do well for a while but the questions always creep back up. The not having friends thing hurts.

But maybe it’s better that he doesn’t care. It would be worse to NOT have friends and care.

And then he was sleeping. His body finally stopped moving.

I breathed him in deeply. I snuggled his neck. I kissed his hair.

I have never loved anything as much as this child. I will never stop helping him. But days like today are so hard.