There Is No More Hiding

Coopers quirks are showing more every day. There is no more hiding behind age. He is the size of a 4-5 year old. He’s also so loud that blending in isn’t an option either. He is ALWAYS making noise and it’s loud.

I am sitting here observing him as he watches his trains. He borders between pure joy and stress. He’s flapping and jumping and making nonstop noise. Think shrieking.

Every change to the track or train brings very obvious stress to him. To me, there is zero FUN in ‘playing’ trains with him. But, as a mom, it doesn’t matter. I gladly set it up and let him do his thing. It makes him happy. And gets him away from the tv.

As I watch him it’s so apparent that there is no more hiding.

When we go places now people know. I would say it became really obvious a month or so ago. I notice lots of looks, stares, etc. Some probably think ‘control your child.’ But the majority give me sad looks.

I remember making jokes about different things like riding the short bus. This was before we knew how serious this was. Back when it seemed like a typical developing child was still an option. It wasn’t right but it was only between Jamie and I and it felt good natured. I think joking was our way of coping.

There is no more joking. At least I don’t. Now I thank god there is a short bus out there to help us out in the fall.

What I didn’t know before Cooper is that behind every kid that has special needs is a mom just like me. And she is on a tough, difficult journey. And she’s sad that people are staring at her child. I get it now.

The other day we were pushing the boys in the stroller and Cooper was thrashing and freaking out. Sawyer sat there and smiled and waved. I looked at Jamie and I know we were thinking the same thing. “What would our lives be like if we just had Sawyer.” I would NEVER trade him for anything. He is the love of my life. But yes, life would be different.

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