Archive for November 2021
As Your Mum, I am Learning your Language
Sometimes I look at you in apprehension… I realize I am a foreign object…a lost immigrant to a new country in your presence. I look at where you look…to that corner where the sun hits…and I don’t see what you see. I do not hear what you hear and I only feel what I feel which sitting next to you can feel like so very little. It used to bother me, scare me and now I eat my croissant curiously searching for the light you are swimming in. In your…
Read MoreI’ll Always be His Biggest and Loudest Fan
I wish I knew then what I know now. I was naive when my son invited me into his autistic world. I took his hand and watched in wonder and awe. Never had I entered such a space of simplicity, beauty, complexity or hard. I made mistakes. I was ruled by inexperience. I’m not sure when the breaking point came, that pivotal shift to the exact moment when I found my voice to advocate for my son. It’s more than a discovery, it’s about setting words into action. When you…
Read MoreWhat I Meant to Say Was…I Need Help
For a long time I thought… “Autism was hard.” Sure the years flew by. But in the moment it was like I was living life in slow motion. My eyes were usually welled up with tears. No one ever told me that excessive irritability actually leads to a whole personality trait after a while. Lacking sleep and basic nutrition. Missing appointments because the bills still had to be paid. “And… last time even the therapist told you to go home. She didn’t even know what to do. It’s just going…
Read MoreHigh School is Over, but Leaving the Nest is not an Option for My Child
The season I’ve been preparing for the past several years is here. This is the season my autistic daughter’s peers settle into their new college life or embark on some other momentous move towards independence. As I reflect on my first 16 months as a brand new mom, I remember forming close friendships with other new moms that I met in “Mommy and Me” groups, Little Gym classes, and various music classes for our pre-toddlers. We would seamlessly get together for weekly play groups at rotating houses. We’d take our…
Read MoreFeeding the Soul
We got outside this evening and it was amazing! Of all the settings that my boys have been in together, outside is always the best for them. No technology to distract. Just sticks. Big sticks. And rocks. And mud. Really cool leaves. And scratchy bark. Toads. Squirrels. And BUGS!! And we just walk. At our own pace. No pressure. Cooper loves throwing things into the woods. He loves the sounds that come. Crashes and bashes. And his brothers love helping him find the biggest sticks to throw. There is just…
Read MoreThe Right Amount of Hope
I’ve been thinking a lot about hope lately. And the right amount to have. Which is a funny thing to think about really. Because, how can one have the wrong amount of hope? My son has autism. He is autistic. And that means his life will follow a different path than most. It means he has lots of unknowns. And parts that are hard for him. He has been robbed of a lot of the big things too. The ones that most parents take for granted for their children. And…
Read MoreWill I be Brave Enough?
Am I brave enough? I just left the grocery store. I only had a few things today so opted for the self checkout today. While I scanned my items, I became aware of two young men next to me. I would say they were both in their 20’s. It dawned on me rather quickly that one was helping the other shop for groceries. He was helping him scan each item, slow and meticulously. Talking him through he step. The gentleman being helped was very much enjoying himself. He was laughing…
Read MoreYou are Enough Mama
To the mama who is scared. The one who is carrying something heavy. In her heart. Her mind. And on her shoulders. To the mama who is worried. The one who cannot sleep. To the mama who is crushed. The weight of the exhaustion too much. I understand. You feel alone. You are not. You are here with so many of us. A member of our club. To the mama who doubts herself. Who researches. Who navigates. Who refuses to give up. Refuses to take no for an answer. I…
Read MoreHe’s Too Much
Do you have a ‘too much’ kid? One who has you white knuckling through parenting? I do. Our third born son. The one who never stops talking and asking questions. Who opens every drawer and cabinet. Who jumps off couches and as the parent you watch their life flash before your eyes. The one who demands bandaids for every imaginary owie. And has me pulling my hair out. This kid…when we hear his feet toddling down the still big steps in the morning we say…’and so it begins. He’s awake.’…
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