Archive for January 2021
The Tender Things
Mama, what is a family? A family? Well, my child A family is at once The easiest And the hardest Thing to build Think of it as a garden Maybe you expected rows and rows of neat tulips Standing straight and tall in their church pews Eating organic apples and placing the cores neatly in the trash can Instead, you have a field full of wildflowers Colorful, shrieking wildflowers Who eat your leftovers with their fingers And leave gum wrappers all over the house It was not supposed to be…
Read MoreI Can Tell You When My Son Is Happy, But Not Why
I look into his blue eyes and tried to find some common sense, some meaning in them. Some hidden reason why he was hitting his head with his hands, over and over. Some deep psychology as to why he was screaming. Some reason why, why did he do this. But instead I find silence. There is no panic in this boy’s eyes. No desperate urges. No curiosity. No hint that he is conscious and knows what is going on. At all. Many people say to me, after finding out about…
Read MoreShatter The Nevers
Early this morning, my son, Finn grabbed a k-cup from our pantry. It was hazelnut…my favorite, the kind he has seen me make myself endless mornings as I drag my sleep-deprived body to the Keurig machine. I just watched. Sometimes that’s what I do. I like to see what my six year old autistic son will do when I don’t say a word or get involved. He then preceded towards the cupboard to pull out his Sonic the Hedgehog coffee mug. “This will be perfect for coffee” he said gleefully…
Read MoreI Will Never Give Up Trying To Help My Son
Imagine not being being able to tell someone what’s on your mind. Imagine not being able to tell someone if you’re having a hard day. Imagine not being able to tell someone that your tummy hurts. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re upset. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re feeling down and why. Imagine not being able to tell someone why you can’t sleep. Imagine not being able to tell someone that you’re happy. Imagine not being able to communicate. Imagine being a mother…
Read MoreHe Was Always Him
January 16, 2017 It’s been 4 years since my son Stalen was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. He was 21 months old. I remember he was wild in the room as we waited for the doctor to come in and speak with us. He was throwing toys and picking crumbs from the carpet. He was pulling single plastic gloves from a box hanging on the wall. I was trying to hold myself together with strict composure but could feel the lump in my throat and the anxiety deep in the…
Read MoreConstipation and Gut Health and How to Help
One of the questions I am most commonly asked about as Cooper’s mom is about tummy troubles. Did he have them when he was younger? Does he now? The answer was yes. And now thankfully, no. Many children have constipation. Children with autism might have more problems with constipation than other children. And difficulty with things like sitting on the toilet and eating different foods can make treating constipation challenging. Our son was no stranger to this. Since he was unable to communicate pain or discomfort, it took us some…
Read MoreShades of Grey
I never gave much thought to social norms before I had my son Cooper. Although I do remember a college professor speaking about them and advising each of us to stand backwards in an elevator and watch people squirm. Besides that though, I guess I have just always done them so they rarely cross my mind. That is until autism. My sweet boy is 10. He has blonde hair that is coarse like straw and ruddy cheeks, and he is entirely himself in every way. He doesn’t know how to…
Read MoreThe Little Brother and the Big Brother
There is 8 years between these two. 10 and 2. The little brother and the big brother. I know the facts. The little ones spoken language passed up Cooper’s months ago. He has a hundred words. He uses full sentences. When the younger one leaves home, Cooper will be 26 years old. A grown man. The baby doesn’t know what autism is. Or even that on paper his older brother is nonverbal. They have never, not once, played a game together. Not in a traditional way. And their Dad and…
Read MoreMama, Will He Have Autism Forever?
You’re five and half years old now. You’ve never asked me a question. That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I notice how tall you are now. Reading it takes my breath away a little. I blink back a tear or two. After I take a deep breath, I remember. That’s not exactly true. You learned to request around your last birthday. You come up to me. Always wanting something when you stand so close. You say a very clear and beautiful, “popsicle”. With great intonation, by the…
Read MoreHow Much Does a Nonverbal Child Understand?
My son is amazing! Keegan is 9 years old and in the 4th grade. He is silly, loving, funny, smart, energetic, creative and a genuinely happy child. He also has autism and he’s nonverbal so things aren’t always easy. There are meltdowns and non typical behaviors and he can’t always express his feelings or wants. Keegan uses a speech device to help him communicate. It has helped Keegan and our family so much! The speech device has changed our family for the better. It’s given my child a voice and…
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