Shattered
Shattered.
Every morning I wake up shattered.
Shattered because I never was able to pick up all the pieces from the day before.
Extreme aggression you are the absolute worst. Extreme aggression you have shattered the idea of us ever having a happy family.
There was a day a few weeks back when I pieced our life back together. Where I carefully picked up each shattered piece and finally figured out where each piece is suppose to be placed back.
That lasted four hours.
Four hours is how much happiness and joy we were allowed in our day.
Four hours of calm. Four hours of smiles. Four hours where I didn’t have to worry about my phone being charged just in case I needed to call 911.
Four hours is all we got then the sky went grey and aggression came back in full force with no warning.
This life is not what you think it is. This life no one can prepare you for.
Social media makes our life look shiny and beautiful always. Most have a hard time believing this is something our family actually goes through.
And you will never understand until you see it with your own eyes. It is a lot of ugly. It is a lot of feeling broken and hopeless.
This is our shattered life that I wish on no one.
Natalie our daughter says “we put a band-aid on each day” and hopefully the next day will be better. What happens when we run out of band-aids? What happens when our life has so many shattered pieces that it can’t be put back together?
We stay shattered, we stay broken and damaged.
We live in constant chaos with no light in our tunnel.
We start accepting that aggression is broken chairs, slamming doors, punching, shredding couches and flipping tables.
We go from calm to chaos with no warning or pattern.
We have breakthrough’s with Jackson to all the sudden aggressive breakdowns. There is always an endless amount of tears and no help in sight.
This is our story. It won’t get better. It won’t ever be sunshine and rainbows.
We are delusional if we think these boys of ours are going to get better with age. We just have to accept this is how things will stay. Things in our life will stay this way because I am trying to be realistic, with the current state the world is in. We got left in the storm on a paddle boat without oars. We got left behind and chaos is everywhere.
Everyday my heart shatters a little more knowing that this is our forever.
Our life gets shattered into a million pieces and no one blinks an eye. Our life came crumbling apart this year and no one seemed to care.
Our boys are extremely struggling.
Our marriage is severely shattered.
Our family is broken.
Our life is one shattered piece away from never being whole again.
Written by, Katie Emde
Hey friends, I am Katie Emde. I live in Saskatchewan with my husband and three beautiful kids. My oldest son Avery was diagnosed with severe non verbal autism. Our daughter Natalie is learning so much while we do homeschooling this year. Our youngest son Jackson is only four years old and loves everything dinosaur. When me and my husband were getting Avery diagnosed and all the supports he needed when he was younger. We had found everything to be extremely overwhelming. I started advocating provincially for hundreds of families all over the province. I am on numerous IEP’s with various schools. I have done numerous fundraisers and supported various non profits over the years. I help families navigate everything autism in Saskatchewan. I found my voice when we struggled and now I use my voice for the many. I share our life on Facebook at A Journey With Avery and on Instagram at katieemde.
Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.
