Coming Up For Air

The day that we finally received a diagnosis for my son was the day that the flood gates opened. After eighteen months of second guessing myself, of my pediatrician telling me that I was just being an overprotective new mother, I finally had the confirmation that I needed. Not that I desired. Not that I wanted. I physically needed it. I finally had the affirmation that there was something genuinely out of the ordinary going on with my child. I’m not sure if you, whoever you are, have experienced this type of…

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Swinging And Success

There is something about a summer night. We took a last minute family walk with promises to check the mailbox after two slides down the slide and one swing for ten seconds. Well, he nailed the walk and went down the slide three times! And, he swung for over a minute. On a big kid swing. While dad pushed him. Before Cooper I never knew that swinging can be hard. That holding on takes a lot of muscle. And that it would take years just to get him on the…

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A Life Of Rushing

We are never not rushed. I could tell you it’s the chaos of life, or the fact that we have three busy boys, or a dozen other reasons. But those aren’t the real ones. We are always rushed because our oldest son often struggles when we are away from home. He struggles with sitting and walking and standing still and waiting in line. He gets anxious by the sounds and smells and colors. He gets nervous understanding what is expected of him. It’s not is fault. There is no blame.…

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Having Success

Proud mama moment! We visited our favorite place today, The Twin City Model Railroad Museum. When we got the email earlier in the week I had mixed emotions. My first thought…YES! Cooper has been asking every day to visit. But then immediate worry. Masks are required. So, we started practicing that night. Ten seconds at first. Then 30 seconds. We tried different types of masks and found this style to work the best for him. It goes around his neck and he is in control of pulling it up and…

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The Many Faces Of Anxiety

In this house anxiety is always present. It is attached to a little boy with blonde hair and hazel eyes. Some days it may hide, not showing on a cute picture, but on most days, it follows him like a shadow, waiting to remind us that it indeed rules. Today, anxiety is one sleep until the train museum. Yesterday, it was two sleeps. A week ago, seven sleeps. Anxiety is the calendar in our kitchen. TRAIN MUSEUM written in big blue letters. We talk about it a hundred times a…

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You Are His Home

Sawyer, you’ve asked me a lot of questions over the years about your older brother. You’ve asked me why he doesn’t talk. You’ve asked me if you are the older brother. You’ve asked me if you could have autism too, like him. You’ve asked me who is going to care for him when mommy and daddy are gone. And recently, you asked me if Cooper knew you were his brother. I told you of course. I said without a doubt he knows. But I know you still wonder. You want…

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‘I Hear You Happy’

Cooper, Last night you were upstairs with your brother. It was long past your bedtime…which for Sawyer isn’t strange. That kid would stay up all night long. But not you. You have an internal alarm that tells you when it’s 9 pm and it’s game over. Up to bed you go with seven blankets and a pile of treasures so high it takes you two trips up the stairs. But last night was different from some reason. I heard your sounds first. Laughing. Squeals. Little screams. Hums. Giggles. You are…

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Thinking in ‘Nevers’

When my son was diagnosed with autism six years ago, I began to think in nevers. Now as a typically very positive person, it felt strange. It felt unlike me. But, that’s how the people around us spoke about autism. Your son will never talk. He will never ride a bike. He will never make a friend. I could go on an on. He will never have a normal life. He will never live independently. Never, never, never. With each evaluation for services, benefits and placements, the nevers stacked up.…

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Caring For Brother

Tonight we took a boat ride. Sawyer brought two friends. A brother and sister who are very much a part of our family. The big kids, Cooper included, all wanted to sit in front and scream at Jamie to go faster. They were also supposed to watch for logs but that part didn’t happen. As we boated along we hit some rough water. It only lasted a minute or so. Pretty common on a Friday on the St. Croix River. Anyhow, Cooper squealed as a bit of water splashed in…

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Celebrating Victories

I used to not be good at celebrating victories. I was so hyper-focused on everything my son had to learn that I lived in this crazy place where I kept thinking about what I needed to teach him next. Almost like a checklist. And I’d tell myself…when ‘this’ happens, then we will celebrate. When he starts talking or when he does whatever. It came from a place of love and devotion to help him. I wanted to help him so badly. But because of it, I missed a lot of…

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